Is it me or the job?

thekid007

hey guys...

so its sunday night, havent made up my mind yet...but i better figure out soon...still feeling unsettled...i dont know...at this point, im just feeling frustrated with life, i hate being overly-sensitive and anxious...feel like its keeping me from doing things i want to or need to do. im lucky i have a place to stay because if i was on my own id probably be f****** homeless by now (lack of stability both emotional and financial)

something interesting happened after i talked to my supervisor this past week, after lunch. after i talked with him, one of his friends in the office (girl of course), wrote on a chocolate bar "you deserve a high-five!". i felt immediately it was related to my conversation prior, especially since when i got the chocolate bar, i looked at my supervisor who immediately put his headphones on without any expression.

at first, i couldn't figure it out who it was, then someone told me. so i msgd the girl on IM, and was like hey whats up...whats that all about? and she said "im going to brighten your day everyday"...and i was then thinking, omfg...my supervisor must have said something to her, because what she did was very out of character. it just felt really uncomfortable, i ended up teasing her and bugging her and basically said 'you need a new mission' as a joke to break any tension i felt...

in a way it could be seen as a nice gesture (i.e. that they want to keep me), on the other hand it kind of means my intuition is sort of correct about ppl as i felt i cant trust my super, which is ok and probably normal in any job. it was a lil weird tho, at the end of the day i solved a problem for one of the girls, my super was there, and gave me a high-five...nice (sarcasm)...special treatment...

theres been a few times when my super has put me down by asking me super simple questions but catching me off guard, so my answer seemed dumb. like once he asked if my wifi worked (i thought i was on wifi) and didnt realize i was plugged in. so as soon as i said 'yes', he said 'you're plugged in', and i was thinking, wtf did you ask me then? theres been numerous instances like that before, which is why the niceities now are a lil weird...

things were a lil weird on thurs/fri too, cuz my supervisor was wearing his headphones and was pretty much ignoring any questions i asked him (i sit right next to him and we're not in a cubicle, so its obvious if someone is looking at you). i basically had to touch him on the arm a couple times which i thought was kind of weird. i then felt that maybe i was bothering him with too many questions or something and felt bad about myself. interpreting as rejection which may not even be the case. maybe he was just trying to focus. i dont know.

i believe its cuz they need someone to cover his vacation, pretty much.

no, this is a small shop (to the last poster). my supervisor was in my interviews with HR and fully knew the title i was getting. tbh, in my heart i knew they were b'sing me from the get-go, because when i asked them what tasks there would be in addition to helping the office internally, the HR head piped up and said 'backups', and i remember thinking 'why are they the ones saying that?'. of course 3 mos later and nothings happened...i knew better from my experience with the coop work term - another office mainly providing internal support. tends to be mind-numbingly slow.

part of me feels fortunate that i have a job, and in a way, it is a cozy job. and im getting paid decent. they want to keep me i believe. it would be good opportunity to study up and save up be4 moving somewhere else. i can still do things in the evening.

the other part of me feels crippled, frustrated, and stubborn like 'i DONT want to do this.' i feel like george costanza. its like i want to get fired so that i dont have to take responsibility for making a decision about quitting, if i quit, ill likely just feel guilty.

hilarious.

cyberguypr

If that works for you that's fine, but I would never be able to operate that way. An employment relationship is symbiotic. Both parts nurture off each other. If one is unbalanced, unhappy, etc. the system breaks down. If you can't politely and professionally communicate your concerns, then why work there?

mokaiba

Put up with it for at least another 10 months then start looking for a better position that is not all help desk. The experience and job title will make it easier to do that.

europop

I know where you're coming from. I'm in and have been in similar positions.

Doing mundane things is normal in IT. I qualified with a CCNA before my first job and never got to configure any routers. 3rd line manager had so much politics he never let anyone get near. It took me a while to break through and get away from Helpdesk.

You may have to job hop to achieve this. Don't be afraid to leave a place after just a year.

Concentrate on your certs. I'm trying to do that now. I dread it too. I'm no longer Helpdesk but what I'm doing now is quite abstract. It will look great on my resume the way I spin it but the actual day to day is uninteresting for me. I have zero interaction with dumb users now and strangely I miss it!

The fact you have access to a Linux environment is gold. Like most people including you, I was promised exposure to this and that. The way it has worked out, I now have ZERO exposure to Linux even though it was hinted that I would. Linux exposure is quite tough to find. I would milk that for all it's worth if I were you.

I am quite emotional like you. I have even thrown in the towel at one job before. Sometimes it has to be done. Other times you have to just grin and bear it. The latter is soul destroying but you should concentrate on certs (like I have ignored for too long now) and it will be worth it.

thekid007

hi guys,

well unfortunately or fortunately, i pulled the plug. do i feel better? yes and no. more on the no right now, but i know i'll feel better tomorrow. its okay. its just a job. its a little stressful about my next move, but God-willing I'll be fine. they didn't make it any easier, and ill explain why towards the end.

it went down like this on Monday morning:

the same-thing happened on monday morning. woke up (thinking: **** ME). hesitated in bed for half an hour. today is the last day to make my decision, and if anything, has to be done before i go to work since its last day probation. while im on probation, its easy to leave cuz my contract was termination without notice on probation. after that, not so easy, and not so good. didn't feel fair to them either since they were accommodating or tried to be.

alright ****name**** maybe its just anxiety or something. just go, push yourself. okay. get up. took shower. dramatic shower, thinking, leaning against the wall. what should i do? i want to leave, it looks bad. i shouldnt leave im getting paid, i can save money. but im miserable. i had a history of quitting in the past, has it come back to that again? have i not improved? am i that same little scared kid? wtf is wrong with me? why cant i make decisions? i need to move out so i can think. but i need more money. ****.

go out. got ready. got in car. what will i do? what will i say? how will i say it? i dont want to burn bridges if i do it. i cant go bacck to doing that. no way.

got on train. checked phone, checked this thread. what should i do? still have some time. just keep going ***name***, just keep going. go as far as you can. get into the office if you can. but why? i hate it. im tired of being miserable. this is not worth it. just keep going.

got off train. time is clicking close. almost 9am. start walking towards office. im on probation. no notice dude. do what you need to do. on the way walking to the office, there is a flower meridian off to the side, and you can sit on this concrete slabs somewhat. its about 5 mins from the office. i went to the other side so no one could see me in case, and sat down.

dude, whats wrong with you. make a decision, and stick with it. i opened my webmail...dude, are you sure? its not that bad. i know. but something does not feel right. im tired of my brain frying. i dont enjoy working with my sup. this hasn't changed. i tried my best. what should i do?

i formulated an e-mail. quitting by e-mail common man. you can't do that. i know, its just a formal letter. okay. wrote it. was polite and objective.

should i really send this? are you sure? <then i thought, this is the second time i'm sitting on this concrete slab, debating the same thing. this is not worth the misery. i prayed, and still doesn't feel right. for whatever reason, this is not working for you.> SEND.

started walking back to the train, thinking, did i do this? what would my family say, cant tell them, they'll flip. its alright, relax. got into a nearby quiet hallway. called my supervisor. > did you get my email? (yes). okay. yeah. im sorry. its just not working for me, i tried my best to wait it out but i feel like im pulling teeth. (ok). i have some property to return, an adapter, thats about it. (ok) Alright. (ok, well good luck).

thats it. went home, went to a nearby bridge, and sat there. whats going on with me? was that okay? calm down dude, its alright. whats wrong with me? why couldn't i stick it out? i tried my best. its okay. youll find something better. ok.
--
then, later that day, HR head emailed me. said she got my resignation letter. asked if we could speak. i said sure. the least i deserved them was a proper convo about why. okay sure.

she called me, and i answered. a bit of silence. me: so im guessing you're wondering why?...(yes! we're surprised and want to know whats up...).

okay, well here's why, and not to discredit my team or anything as they are all busy im sure...:
- i felt what i was doing was not what i was expecting as per interview and title. the title wasn't equivalent to my duties. i had an inkling at the beginning it might be like that, but i knew that keys to the kingdom arent handed right away. and because of the interview we had, i expected certain things to happen (like backups which you mentioned, which just never happened). HR head said: im STILL waiting for my computer to backed up (LOL).
- in reality, the position, i feel, is helpdesk. now im okay with that even up to 60-70%, everyone has to start somewhere. but this was ALL helpdesk. sure there were some other server tasks, but i did that on my own initiative, and that was the single time i did that. not to mention, there were very few tickets. one thing i said in my interview, was that i need to be stimulated, and you said that would happen, and it didn't really happen. i was hoping for things to change, but it didnt. there were some days where there was nothing to do, and i totally understand that is the nature of IT - stuff's not always broken. however the stuff i was doing, was all helpdesk.
- i tried asking for other stuff to do and tried helping out, but my suggestions were rebuffed. there were tickets made in helpdesk regarding certain things like backups or policies, and they were assigned to me. however i would give suggestions to my super, and they were not taken seriously (i.e. a solution was already found), and the ticket just sat there in my system because in reality, it had already been solved. in other words, things were talked up, but then nothing came out of it. i would have just preferred honesty and said 'there's nothing else for now'...

- if the position had been accurately labelled helpdesk admin, honestly i wouldn't have applied. i did helpdesk for a year and a half, and the whole reason i went back to school for a year, was so i could move away from that and into a more sys/net admin role. i was hoping things would progress, but they just didn't.

HR head then asked for suggestions, and i gave them. first of which was to accurately title the position. i gave some other suggestions as well.

HR head asked if i would come today (tuesday) to bring my remaining items. i said sure.

i went today, and was told that the Head IT manager (not my supervisor) wanted to talk to me. i started getting nervous and thought ..hmm..ok...sure. I can do that. So I went back there today, saw HR spoke a few words, and went to IT Mgr. office. I sat down, and we started talking. I said pretty much that what I told HR head is pretty much it, not much to add. He said "yeah they told me everything and I'm actually updating the duties right now..."

He asked if I had another position, I said no...I said it was not an easy decision because I like the company and what they do, its just the work was not what I was hoping. He totally understood, and in fact agreed with my feedback (which was weird). He started showing me some new pictures of what the company was doing, and I was like thinking *this dude is still trying to keep me*. in honesty the pictures were damn cool, and I said..."you're not making this any easier..." and he's like "so my plan is working" and smiled...

Oh man, that was just I mean. Honestly, that felt good to know they liked me that much. I kind of knew that anyway, but I didn't realize THAT much because I was never given any feedback, and I'm the kind of person that likes feedback whether positive or negative (of course esp. if its positive!). I pretty much said, yeah i know its cool stuff...but its just I'd be pulling out teeth...I know you guys were paying me well for what I was doing, but its not about the money for me at this point...

He said, I hear you, you just don't like it...yes. We then shoot the **** a bit more, and he shook my hand and wished me the best of luck. "It's too bad...we think you're a good fit." Seriously...ugh...

You will all notice I never mentioned my supervisors over-professionalism and lack of being personable, come out as an issue to them. I'm not sure if I should have. Maybe if I felt more closer to the guy and we could actually joke around, I would have felt more inclined to stay. It was def. awkward working with him because he was sooo professional. It was all business. Which is better than some of the crazy IT folks out there...so thats why I never bothered. On the other hand, because we were on long open tables amongst our co-workers from diff. departments and had no cubicle or personal space, WE HAD to be professional with everything...

I went home, moped a bit, and started reading a book called "Work makes me nervous". it'll be interesting to find out how much a part of it was that. I might be overprojecting thats what it was though, when I talked to my friend today, we mentioned how from the very get-go of the position, it was all helpdesk and I was concerned that was all it would be..........................

I want to thank everyone here for all the support, suggestions, etc.

Yes, I wanted to stay for 6 months. In the end, I decided I couldn't/didn't want to do that, and just made my decision. I felt more that I couldn't. And because my supervisor was leaving for 6 weeks, I didn't want to throw/couldn't throw the towel in that time. That would be far worse.

It is what is. I'm glad to be over with this chapter right now. Damn.

----! Edit -- I should add:

As I was heading out, I bumped into the newly-hired Sr.Sys admin. HE said hey man everything okay? What happened? I told him. He was like okay, I thought maybe I got after you too much (he was bugging me a bit when he first got hired cuz I'm junior so I had to shut him up one day and we were a lil quiet after that, but this wasnt an issue for me).

We actually talked for 20 minutes, and even he said that he thought the position was mislabelled. He said when he saw what I was doing and the position, it didn't really make sense, and moreso, he said that the position wouldn't have grown to any more than what it is likely for another 6 mos - 1 year, and I said yeah, thats what I figured. We talked some more and he said, you know don't worry man, you're justified in how you feel. I would hate to do what you have to...and I said yeah, I like the people here, but I was starting to lose my patience, and its not good...

One thing he said I didn't agree with, was that part of an issue I face is lack of confidence. I said, I know thats something I'm trying to work on, I'm sure you guys could tell I wasn't having it the past couple weeks. And he said yeah, 'you seemed burned out.'

I said yeah, thats true. However wrt to confidence, the thing is I literally wouldn't know what to do if the net. went down cuz I've never configured these switches! he said yeah, thats true...but we maybe kept from giving you things because we weren't sure if ur ready, but the thing is, you shouldn't be confident under the first 5 years of being sys admin, so its completely normal and nothing on you..i said yeah...

the confidence thing IS true. they obviuosly noticed i wasn't enjoying it..but i did go out of my way to support one team for their server and install python from source and stuff and configure smb and fine-grained permissions on folders, which i'd never done before...if i was completely inconfident i would never have done it...

thekid007

hey everyone, hope ur doin well..

well currently lookin for a job out of the city as i feel that would be useful for me and a change of scenery may be more healthy for me (and away from my family).

been feelin quite down still, not sure what happened to me the last month or so. anyways, thanks all for the advices...will keep you all n the loop to what happens next!

kohr-ah

thekid007 wrote: »

hey everyone, hope ur doin well..

well currently lookin for a job out of the city as i feel that would be useful for me and a change of scenery may be more healthy for me (and away from my family).

been feelin quite down still, not sure what happened to me the last month or so. anyways, thanks all for the advices...will keep you all n the loop to what happens next!

Depression take a while to get over. Isn't an instant thing. Keep moving forward and let us know where you end up

IS3

It is funny how people have the luxury of leaving a job just like that... Unless there is already a replacement. but I guess situation like yours happen where you can just pull the plug and not worry about rent, car payment, bills etc...

Good luck to you and hope you find the job that is right for you.