Pursuit of Security+ Leads to Cheating Spouse

jelevated

I saw an interesting post on Reddit, a solider asks for advice dealing with a cheating spouse. The reason? Intense studying for the Security+ certification...link below.

I'm [23/m] found out my wife [25/f] kissed another man. (Note there is strong language in the comments. Come on, its Reddit).

I know, I know, no certification, even the security+ will bring down a healthy relationship. However I feel bad for this young man. More than likely achieving the Security+ was in part due the DoD certification requirement. Whereas some of us do this for sport this is literally part of the job.
This got me thinking about the pursuit of tech certifications in particular. The typical college degree follows a fairly standard path. Get accepted, Attend class, pass tests, achieve x number of credits, graduate, profit. That's it. Its yours. No CPEs, no "recertification" fees, although you may occasionally get the shake down from a freshman working the alumni phones. Most people in the US understand what it means to "get a degree" and the incredible time commitment. Certifications are not the norm however. Most don't know they exist and honestly, it sounds kind of wonky if you're looking at it from the outside. We pay large sums of money to build an impressive network stack that could handle the needs of a small telecom or a hotrod VM whitebox(s) with capacity for a Fortune 100 Windows architecture. We spend all day studying, all night labbing and finally pass the test. Then some certifications expire (such as CCNA, VCP), some exams are incredibly expensive (such as GIAC, CISSP), some require multiple exams (like CCNP), and others require an application fee on top of the examination fee (everything from ISACA). And then there is the CEH .

Have any of you had trouble juggling these expectations with the needs of your spouse and family? I've seen incredible stories here on TE, people passing tough certifications a week or two before the birth of their children. People working two jobs and studying on their off hours. But never have I seen a certificate as the reason (an incredibly lame one!) for infidelity. In my case (I hope, after reading this), my spouse understands the "why", after witnessing (and subsequently spending) the incredible gains made after acquiring just a few certs.

Pseudonym

I'm sorry but this is completely ridiculous. Your Mrs will **** on you if she doesn't respect you/isn't attracted to you. Nothing to do with studying for an exam.

Danielm7

That was a reminder on why I don't read /r/relationships, hah. Really though, she's sleeping with someone else because while she's asleep he spends some time studying. Um, yeah, that's not because he was studying, it's because she wanted to, silly. With that said, your point is valid, life is more important than an exam. It's easy to say you're putting a pause on everything else for a bit, but it's also easy to get stuck in that routine and ignore your family, your health or your other relationships because you're shooting for more letters behind your name. I've seen the same behavior out of IT, people going for post grad degrees and ignoring their families for years then once they pass they feel like they can't get back on track and barely know how to relate to everyone.

swamprat

I would disagree with your characterization of college, at least for any typ of technical or advanced degree. Doctors, engineers, lawyers, etc, the degree just gets you in the door. Doctors have ongoing learning requirements and retake their boards, Lawyers have to continually keep up with case law and precedent, engineers have to keep learning, etc. School is a starting point, not an end in itself, in most degrees. Even with something like marketing, you need to keep up with new technologies and trends in the field or you'll quickly be left behind. Yes, we make sacrifices to stay relevant and learn, but it is in no way unique to the IT field.

tedjames

It was just an excuse, like the excuse my ex-brother-in-law gave my sister as the reason he cheated on her. My sister took an extended leave of absence from work to move a few hundred miles to take care of our dying mother. He claimed that she neglected him. What a douche!

kiki162

No one EVER tells these kids to stop getting married so young. Getting married at that age (under 25) with no degree, barely out of high school, no direction, and little to no job prospects, sets any marriage up for failure. Then again when you are young no one can tell you otherwise, and you have to figure it out for yourself. This is one of those "life lessons" when crap like this hits you hard upside your head, and then you say "...ohh, now I get it."

I've seen retired military guys wonder why their wives complain so much after being the "stay at home" mom for 20+ years, and can't understand that maybe they finally want something for themselves. The point is you need to allow your spouse the time to do whatever it is they need to do to keep themselves busy (in a good way).

For the certification piece, most won't understand the "why" portion. If you explain it in a context of "this is what I have to do to get us here... so we have enough money to do XYZ" or "so we can afford for ABC" some will understand the processes a little bit better. If it's only explained as, this is a job requirement, most would roll their eyes and not think about it. You need to be able to explain to your spouse what it is that you want to do or achieve and any positive result from it. If there's no results obtained over the course of time, and it's all talk and less action, then any spouse would be pissed. Once your spouse sees the results of your gains, only then will they be more accepting and understanding.

cyberguypr

Bright side of the story: it wasn't an EC Council test.

TacoRocket

You would feel cheated twice!

cyberguypr wrote: »

Bright side of the story: it wasn't an EC Council test.

p@r0tuXus

jelevated wrote: »

But never have I seen a certificate as the reason (an incredibly lame one!) for infidelity.

It wasn't a reason, it was an invalid excuse.

shimasensei

TacoRocket wrote: »

You would feel cheated twice!

Lolololol

On a serious note, damn...

NetworkingStudent

Why can't she just say she wants to spend more time with him?


Years ago I remember two gentleman on TE that had wives that left them due to studying to much.

One went into security, and I don't remember what happened to the other one. These guys were studying non stop though, and they had multiple certs.

Everything in life needs balance.

You eat to much, and you could get fat.

Smoke to much and you could have lung Cancer.
ect ect

A relationship is like a plant, it needs food and water to live and grow. If you don't water a plant it dies.

PCTechLinc

There are plenty of opinions that go around, and you know what they say about opinions?

Truth is, it doesn't matter what is important to each person (as long as it's legal, ethical, whatever...). The point is if someone is passionate about certifications, degrees, education, all that stuff, what they need is support. My wife knew when we got together how important I think education is. That is why she stuck by me through two jobs and studying for my Bachelor's then Master's at the same time. It wouldn't matter to me if she were passionate about squid-fishing. If it's important to her, then it's important to me that she gets to do it. Like NetworkingStudent said, it's all about balance, and above all, wanting everyone to be happy.

PJ_Sneakers

cyberguypr wrote: »

Bright side of the story: it wasn't an EC Council test.

Right, dude could have got C|heated on. That'd be rough.

PCTechLinc

PJ_Sneakers wrote: »

Right, dude could have got C|heated on. That'd be rough.

LOL, almost spit out my water!!

NOC-Ninja

The girl will stay if she really loves you. She need to understand what you want and she will benefit from it too. You'll make more money and you will be able to have a better life than before.

Mine stayed from CCNA to CCIE.

Its sad to see this happen but if I was him, I would **** that girl.
Looks like his filing for divorce. yikes

shimasensei

NOC-Ninja wrote: »

The girl will stay if she really loves you. She need to understand what you want and she will benefit from it too. You'll make more money and you will be able to have a better life than before. Mine stayed from CCNA to CCIE. Its sad to see this happen but if I was him, I would **** that girl. Looks like his filing for divorce. yikes

Good point, just imagine, Sec+ is not nearly as difficult compared to higher level certs. If she can't handle the commitment for this, it's a bad sign for the future if the guy wants to progress higher in IT. She probably is not worth keeping for life.

Your wife, my wife (right now she's going through my CISSP studies, full time college, full time job, and part time IT consulting, among other things), including other spouses & partners here in TE have gone through the experience of much more demanding certifications e.g. CCIE, GSE, CISSP, MCSE, CISM, etc. I have found it helps a lot to discuss and fully disclose the commitment required and time demands before I embark on a certificate, (additional) work or school. It helps to assure and remind them that the whole reason I'm doing this is for our family's financial stability and future.

So, kudos to all the hero spouses and partners here on TE! Many/most of the time, their support is just as important as the study material and hard work we put in.

Our career and educational achievements are just as much their victories and accomplishments as ours.

jelevated

shimasensei wrote: »

Your wife, my wife (right now she's going through my CISSP studies, full time college, full time job, and part time IT consulting, among other things), including other spouses & partners here in TE have gone through the experience of much more demanding certifications e.g. CCIE, GSE, CISSP, MCSE, CISM, etc.

People get pins and a certificate for the CISSP right? The welcome packet should include Disney World passes.:D

DatabaseHead

NOC-Ninja wrote: »

The girl will stay if she really loves you. She need to understand what you want and she will benefit from it too. You'll make more money and you will be able to have a better life than before.

Mine stayed from CCNA to CCIE.

Its sad to see this happen but if I was him, I would **** that girl.
Looks like his filing for divorce. yikes

Hell yes I would too. I'm on a second marriage, there won't be a 3rd.

Deus Ex Machina

You have to be very careful when you pick your SO. So many of my friends have started relationships with people who had obvious red flags, just because they were desperate for love. The premise of being alone gave them an existential crisis. I'm not saying that's what happened to this guy because I do not know him, but based on his circumstances (married at 23), it seems like it might have been.

There are much, much worse things than being alone. This is one of them.

MitM

talk about a Man-in-the-Middle problem

p@r0tuXus

It would sound to me that the guy was in the military and had alot of time demands on him all ready. I admire his fortitude in being able to commit so much and attempt to press on like he did. It reminds me of a friend I have that was in a similar situation when he joined the military. Granted, his wife didn't **** on him while exposed to that environment, he did relay that it wasn't uncommon for spouses to sleep around and sometimes consentual exchanges happened. I'm not saying it's typical behavior of any group in any branch, just that it was the experience depicted to me. My guess is, the guy and girl were married so they could stay together while he was on base and she found some enticing options and blamed his study time. Maybe she simply interpreted his willingness to study instead of spend what available time he had with her as an insult and it lowered her self-esteem. Who knows. Not trying to excuse that person's behavior at all, it sounds like she was immature and at that age (in this culture) it's not uncommon.

revbox

The real crime here is that the Security+ exam was requiring that much intensive study.

Fulcrum45

My wife can get frustrated with me devoting lots of time studying but she knows why it's important. Ultimately she views it as me taking care of her as well- which is good because she is a total fox who somehow understands my humor.

NetworkNewb

Sounds like the wife is only interested in people who aren't looking to improve themselves and wants attention full time instead. Drop the dead weight keeping you down my friend!

ally_uk

In my experience certs alone do not make the person. I have worked alongside numerous people technically on paper they are alot more qualified than me i.e network+, A+, Degrees, Microsoft electives.

Some of them have been absolutely useless to the extent where they can't even build / diagnose basic computer faults. I have also attended interviews and have outperformed candidates with pages full of certs by just using my knowledge and hands on experience.

Paper certs are the worse! those people who use **** sheets etc. They end up with a bit of paper and look like idiots when you pull them up on basic operations.

Currently I would like to get some certs but I have two young sons, Juggling family life presently I cannot do it.

E Double U

I put the study material away when the Mrs wants my attention

I was working in the tech field when my wife met me and she knows how important certifications are for my career. I am less attentive about a week or two leading up to exam day, but she completely understands.

sillymcnasty

I'm just gonna have to say this.
I hate you.
I had no idea /r/relationships existed.
I have been LOST in reddit since I've read this thread.

UnixGuy

That's what happens when you do a CompTIA certificate.

jelevated

sillymcnasty wrote: »

I had no idea /r/relationships existed.

I hate to tell you this, /r/relationships is good but this is from /r/relationship_advice which is wackier. Both are good time sinks.

sillymcnasty

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/6ah3i4/update_on_im_23m_found_out_my_wife_25f_kissed/

There's an update!

jamesleecoleman

I like that update

I have a hard time studying and keeping the other half happy. So I do my best to stay around and study where ever she is. The thing about it is that if the other half doesn't understand that studying to stay in the career field is important then they need to find out some way. It's so easy to not understand what someone has to go through for work.

My other half doesn't have to study like I do and she doesn't have to do the type of work that I do and making her understand that is hard. So I just have to get her to help me study but she's not interested in any of the stuff that I study.

Guess I'll just have to learn how to work on 4 hours of sleep.