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Alice in UNIX Land
A funny story I first read here. Enjoy.
Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect
that everything was not as it should be. "Program too big to fit in
memory," it read.
"Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load
fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor. With four megabytes,
I wish I could use more than 640K."
"At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white
consultant) ran across the room. "Oh my coat and necktie," he said,
"I'm going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour,
too." Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and
disappeared behind her operating system.
Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor
before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system. But
then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without hesitating
a moment, she leaped in after him.
She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to
do, she began walking. Turning a corner, she found herself facing two
fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One had "POS"
embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".
"I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."
"Yes," said Positive.
"Can you help me? asked Alice.
"No," said Negative.
"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the
direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.
She pointed the other way.
"Yes," said Positive.
Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was
there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that
Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep.
Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which
they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they
all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their
right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice
watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she
approached and sat down.
Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her
as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.
"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking
for some string."
"Nroff?" asked the Frog.
The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and
a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"
"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a
spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"
"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the
Hacker.
Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.
"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given
up on waking him.
"Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse
stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the
largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an
Open Look at..."
A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up
angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech
accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.
"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half
snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his
sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one
seemed a bit surprised.
"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with
his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.
"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his
face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an
hour to Macintosh consultants!"
"Awk," said the Frog.
"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that
they will not have to learn."
"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean
secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"
"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to
make them want to switch to UNIX."
"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a
hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?'
I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."
"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow,
"like Brut, or Rambo."
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."
Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.
"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the
shrinkwrap issue?"
Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving
their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat
down again.
"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back
to tasting flavors."
Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong
flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on
their right and took the one being offered on their left.
Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been
walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.
"Rem," it said, "edlin."
Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer
sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."
"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
By Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989
Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect
that everything was not as it should be. "Program too big to fit in
memory," it read.
"Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load
fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor. With four megabytes,
I wish I could use more than 640K."
"At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white
consultant) ran across the room. "Oh my coat and necktie," he said,
"I'm going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour,
too." Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and
disappeared behind her operating system.
Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor
before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system. But
then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without hesitating
a moment, she leaped in after him.
She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to
do, she began walking. Turning a corner, she found herself facing two
fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One had "POS"
embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".
"I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."
"Yes," said Positive.
"Can you help me? asked Alice.
"No," said Negative.
"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the
direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.
She pointed the other way.
"Yes," said Positive.
Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was
there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that
Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep.
Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which
they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they
all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their
right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice
watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she
approached and sat down.
Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her
as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.
"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking
for some string."
"Nroff?" asked the Frog.
The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and
a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"
"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a
spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"
"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the
Hacker.
Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.
"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given
up on waking him.
"Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse
stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the
largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an
Open Look at..."
A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up
angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech
accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.
"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half
snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his
sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one
seemed a bit surprised.
"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with
his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.
"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his
face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an
hour to Macintosh consultants!"
"Awk," said the Frog.
"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that
they will not have to learn."
"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean
secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"
"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to
make them want to switch to UNIX."
"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a
hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?'
I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."
"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow,
"like Brut, or Rambo."
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."
Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.
"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the
shrinkwrap issue?"
Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving
their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat
down again.
"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back
to tasting flavors."
Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong
flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on
their right and took the one being offered on their left.
Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been
walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.
"Rem," it said, "edlin."
Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer
sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."
"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
By Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989
Free Microsoft Training: Microsoft Learn
Free PowerShell Resources: Top PowerShell Blogs
Free DevOps/Azure Resources: Visual Studio Dev Essentials
Let it never be said that I didn't do the very least I could do.
Comments
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RobertKaucher
Member Posts: 4,299 ■■■■■■■■■■
And that is exactly why Linux and other Unix like OSes (perhaps other than Mac) will never be adopted in the main. Loved the story. -
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dynamik
Banned Posts: 12,312 ■■■■■■■■■□
I haven't yet stumbled across this thread sober. Maybe I'll try giving it another read tomorrow. Or perhaps all my MS certs are preventing me from "getting it"
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OptionsRobertKaucher
Member Posts: 4,299 ■■■■■■■■■■
Come on, Dynamik. I know you've tasted the custard!I haven't yet stumbled across this thread sober. Maybe I'll try giving it another read tomorrow. Or perhaps all my MS certs are preventing me from "getting it" -
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KGhaleon
Member Posts: 1,346 ■■■■□□□□□□
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
I agree with the Penguin.Present goals: MCAS, MCSA, 70-680 -
OptionsRobertKaucher
Member Posts: 4,299 ■■■■■■■■■■
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
I agree with the Penguin.
Lol, that name suggests something else to me... -
Optionsdynamik
Banned Posts: 12,312 ■■■■■■■■■□
RobertKaucher wrote: »I know you've tasted the custard!
Um, that's what she said?
What!? KG started it...
Quite nice! 
