Relationship Advice

Roguetadhg

My fiance just asked me:
"Working through my master's I've never had to spend every waking moment to study. Why do you study all day long?"

I told her that she can leave me if she wants.

Somehow, I don't think that was the best answer to her question...

kriscamaro68

Tell her your not looking to just be good at your job. You are looking to be a BAMF at your job. Anyone can be good at their job only a select few can be BAMF's.

4_lom

I've been in the exact same situation with my girlfriend. I just explained to her that, my studying so much is going to help both of us in the long term. She later told me the reason for her judgement was that she was jealous of my determination and interest in the career I've chosen. I told her if she doesn't want to study all day long for her career, then maybe she isn't doing the right career. Long story short, she broke up with me.... just kidding I wish hehehe . Anyway, what I'm trying to say is maybe your fiance is jealous and/or insecure about her own knowledge of her career. Maybe you guys should sit down for a nice meal and talk it out. Always works for me. Just my 2¢. Good luck!

4_lom

kriscamaro68 wrote: »

Tell her your not looking to just be good at your job. You are looking to be a BAMF at your job. Anyone can be good at their job only a select few can be BAMF's.

I'm a BAMF

4_lom

By the way, let me know how it goes if you don't mind.

Futura

I would agree between yourselves on time when you can study, and get to do something for herself whilst your studying, Watching girly tv, Gym, going out with friends, studying, she must have some interests

deth1k

Like you've said, it was a silly thing to say to her especially if she is your fiance. Although its wise to spend time studying make sure you spare some moments to her too. At the end of the day you are doing it for both of you in the long term, let her know of that. Don't expect her to sit there watch TV all day whilst you learn stuff, it tires out and she will leave you one day or will find someone else to love her. So be a man and treat your woman well

Roguetadhg

Well, we talked about it. She told me that the school dropped her out (We've been having issues financially, fighting a lawsuit, family) and wanted to get her to start over. She was a semester away from graduating for her masters. She is envious.

She's in 70K in debt for nothing.

Forsaken_GA

I'm fortunate in that my girlfriend is a civil engineer who has obtained her Professional Engineer certification, which involves a crap load of study,so she gets it. I also make certain to put aside time for her and the kids on my off days.

Now, with that being said.... telling her she can leave you the week before Valentine's day, just whack yourself in the back in the head, courtesy of me.

Roguetadhg

We tend to blow of steam this way, we don't have any real violent fights.

Work is allowing me an hour of OT a day, and being as it is - any OT is better than no OT.

She knows I don't trade in my Aurora blue, R3 RX-8 (MT) for a 2008 Jetta (AT) for any woman.

I miss my baby. My old car at work:



Replaced with:

Todd Burrell

Speaking as an older person on this forum (late 40's) it has been my experience that most women do not like ultimatums (like leave me if you don't like something). I'd recommend asking her the amount of time she thinks you need to study and try to compromise and work out a schedule that works for both of you. I have had some HUGE issues with the wife and kids not understanding that when I am studying I need to be left alone. But a locked door on my office seems to solve this issue to some extent - and you just need to try and temper your studying and leave time for other things.

I'm also lucky that my wife had to study and earn her PMP a couple of years ago. So she has some understanding of what it takes to study and earn a certification.

Good luck.

WafflesAndRootbeer

Roguetadhg wrote: »

My fiance just asked me:
"Working through my master's I've never had to spend every waking moment to study. Why do you study all day long?"

I told her that she can leave me if she wants.

Somehow, I don't think that was the best answer to her question...

God damn it man, haven't you learned anything at all from watching romantic comedies? The appropriate response would have been to take her hand, pull her to the closest mirror, get all snuggled up against her, and then point to your reflection saying "That is why I study all day."

networker050184

WafflesAndRootbeer wrote: »

God damn it man, haven't you learned anything at all from watching romantic comedies? The appropriate response would have been to take her hand, pull her to the closest mirror, get all snuggled up against her, and then point to your reflection saying "That is why I study all day."

I'm going to have to use this one next time.

joshmadakor

WafflesAndRootbeer wrote: »

God damn it man, haven't you learned anything at all from watching romantic comedies? The appropriate response would have been to take her hand, pull her to the closest mirror, get all snuggled up against her, and then point to your reflection saying "That is why I study all day."

Hilarious, lol.

And to the OP, if you care about your girlfriend, make time for her. If you are indeed using all your free-time to study then you're doing something wrong.

In your defense, woman can often be very ridiculous. They just LOVE you if you're already successful, but they don't want those pesky books taking up all your time if you aren't.. Been there, done that. Luckily my current girlfriend is really excellent in that regard.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, try to compromise with her. In my case, if she won't reasonably compromise, I would straight bounce like a ball because I don't have time for that sh!t.

NetworkingStudent

Roguetadhg wrote: »

My fiance just asked me:
"Working through my master's I've never had to spend every waking moment to study. Why do you study all day long?"

I told her that she can leave me if she wants.

Somehow, I don't think that was the best answer to her question...

You need to make time for your fiancé. Yes, studying and staying abreast of technology is important, but certifications come and go, but your finance will be there with you by your side for life (if she truly loves you). I can see her point of view, because she is saying” Hey why are you always studying… I don’t want to compete for your time”

Track or write down what you do each day.

How much time do you spend studying, working, ect ect? there are 168 hoursin a week

How much time do you spend with your finance?

Just looking at your post I can see that if you worked overtime everyday that would be 50 hours a week.

Also, I recommend buying some flowers for your fiancé and taking her to restaurant of her choice, or one that you both want to go to.

Another thing is you need to explain why you study for these certifications. Do you study for a promotion? Another job , or role? Explain it in terms she can understand..think ROI=Return On Investment.
As to your comment to her I would apologize for your comments

That’s my advice and observation…

NewManSoon

LOL @ coming to an IT forum for relationship advise

forestgiant

NewManSoon wrote: »

LOL @ coming to an IT forum for relationship advise

Sure, why not? advice are free here, and most of us can relate to the OP's situation. I'd take this forum over Dr Phil or Oprah-sopera- any day.

networker050184

NewManSoon wrote: »

LOL @ coming to an IT forum for relationship advise

I think balancing study and family time is something that the members here have a lot of experience with. Not a bad place to ask for advice I'd say.

Now finding a girlfriend in the first place, you are on your own!

Turgon

Roguetadhg wrote: »

My fiance just asked me:
"Working through my master's I've never had to spend every waking moment to study. Why do you study all day long?"

I told her that she can leave me if she wants.

Somehow, I don't think that was the best answer to her question...

It's all part of lifestyle management, which one should work on first and foremost. Once you have that working well I find that work and studies go better in the long run. Exceeding the patience of those who are close to you takes it's toll on everyone, including yourself. It isn't easy though, we do need time for our stuff and the hours can be unsocial. A flexible timetable helps and downtime together.

kiki162

Roguetadhg wrote: »

My fiance just asked me:
"Working through my master's I've never had to spend every waking moment to study. Why do you study all day long?"

Ummm yeah of course she's jealous, which is why her school kicked her out cause she wasn't studying hard enough. I guess the bigger question is with that 70K wasted, what exactly is she doing with her bachelor's degree or job wise now?

A woman who keeps herself busy and has a good job, doesn't need to worry about competing for time and attention (most of the time anyways). While not being in school, if she's now complaining about not spending enough time with you..not enough attention...blah blah blah, then she really needs something else to do to occupy her time.

Again there's only so much that you can do, and time you can spend with her. Hopefully she figures out what she wants to do with her career sooner rather than later. Makes for an unhappy wife later on down the road.

Turgon

kiki162 wrote: »

Ummm yeah of course she's jealous, which is why her school kicked her out cause she wasn't studying hard enough. I guess the bigger question is with that 70K wasted, what exactly is she doing with her bachelor's degree or job wise now?

A woman who keeps herself busy and has a good job, doesn't need to worry about competing for time and attention (most of the time anyways). While not being in school, if she's now complaining about not spending enough time with you..not enough attention...blah blah blah, then she really needs something else to do to occupy her time.

Again there's only so much that you can do, and time you can spend with her. Hopefully she figures out what she wants to do with her career sooner rather than later. Makes for an unhappy wife later on down the road.

I agree with kiki162. Dropped out a Masters with a 70K tab? Sheesh. Dude you have some bills to pay.

Iristheangel

Forsaken_GA wrote: »

I'm fortunate in that my girlfriend is a civil engineer who has obtained her Professional Engineer certification, which involves a crap load of study,so she gets it. I also make certain to put aside time for her and the kids on my off days.

Now, with that being said.... telling her she can leave you the week before Valentine's day, just whack yourself in the back in the head, courtesy of me.

Ditto. I'm dating a med student so a lot of our "dates" involves mutual study time and quick cuddle breaks. Sometimes you're lucky enough to have a spouse who "gets it" or is like-minded in the pursuit of their own goals but when you have a spouse that just isn't, the best you can do is try to talk to them about why you're getting this degree like what it's doing for you (self-esteem, job opportunities, feeling of accomplishment, and so on) and what it will do for your relationship (more money, family, house, stability, "you don't have to worry about money as much, honey!"). Another thing you could try is to find out what her goals are and work towards coming up with a solution so she can achieve her own goals (distract her)

If talking or working on her goals doesn't help, there's no easy advice to give. Obviously, compromise is a great thing but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your education or life goals to make her happy. That sounds like a lose-win if you do. I can relate. My girlfriend before the current one was 6 years my junior, barely graduated high school with a C average, and kept saying she was going to sign up for community college during the two years we were together. She would get jealous if I even played on my computer longer than 2 minutes much less tried to study so I ended up dropping out of college while I was with her. Not my best choice and eventually, when the relationship ended, I had nothing to show for it except regret.

joshmadakor

Iristheangel wrote: »

Ditto. I'm dating a med student so a lot of our "dates" involves mutual study time and quick cuddle breaks. Sometimes you're lucky enough to have a spouse who "gets it" or is like-minded in the pursuit of their own goals but when you have a spouse that just isn't, the best you can do is try to talk to them about why you're getting this degree like what it's doing for you (self-esteem, job opportunities, feeling of accomplishment, and so on) and what it will do for your relationship (more money, family, house, stability, "you don't have to worry about money as much, honey!"). Another thing you could try is to find out what her goals are and work towards coming up with a solution so she can achieve her own goals (distract her)

If talking or working on her goals doesn't help, there's no easy advice to give. Obviously, compromise is a great thing but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your education or life goals to make her happy. That sounds like a lose-win if you do. I can relate. My girlfriend before the current one was 6 years my junior, barely graduated high school with a C average, and kept saying she was going to sign up for community college during the two years we were together. She would get jealous if I even played on my computer longer than 2 minutes much less tried to study so I ended up dropping out of college while I was with her. Not my best choice and eventually, when the relationship ended, I had nothing to show for it except regret.

Wow, ouch. What did she do with her time?

Iristheangel

joshmadakor wrote: »

Wow, ouch. What did she do with her time?

Whine about how she wanted to go out to parties and how she couldn't afford to do anything. Sadly, I am not joking.

Forsaken_GA

Iristheangel wrote: »

She would get jealous if I even played on my computer longer than 2 minutes much less tried to study so I ended up dropping out of college while I was with her. Not my best choice and eventually, when the relationship ended, I had nothing to show for it except regret.

I've found that the best way to make a geek's woman happy is to very purposely shut down the computer/close the laptop lid, and then immediately turn the attention to her. When she sees you do that, it's visible reinforcement that the computer is not more important than her, and makes her more tolerant of the times you do need to zone out into monitor watching land. I try to work in a few of those moments every couple weeks, and I think she's caught on, but she doesn't care, she gets the message, and that's all that matters.

vinbuck

This is good training for those of you who haven't gotten hitched and had a slew of rugrats yet. Studying for IT certs is nothing compared to the personal sacrifices you will make to raise children. When you're single it's only natural to go out, grab a beer, catch a movie or a hockey game but those tend to fall off for a while when you have small children so you get used to making personal sacrifices in order to be a parent. Studying for IT certs with a full time job and little ones is especially difficult, but it is an easier sell to your spouse because ultimately you are doing it to provide a better life for your family. If you're dating someone and haven't gotten married, then your career goals are more for you and not the other person, which isn't wrong at all, but women tend to dislike it when most of your time is focused on something other than them and that's just human nature.

As others have said..

Ultimatums = Bad
Communication = Good

the_Grinch

This is why I am single, no one questions my study habits etc. You are choosing to better yourself, which will ultimately lead to a better life for not only you, but her as well. If she doesn't see that, show her the door. Now that being said, if you studying and not helping with the wedding then perhaps she has a point. Other then that she has no reason to complain as she knows exactly where you are and what you are doing.

joshmadakor

Iristheangel wrote: »

Whine about how she wanted to go out to parties and how she couldn't afford to do anything. Sadly, I am not joking.

Haha, kids. I'm glad you were able to recover

Iristheangel

joshmadakor wrote: »

Haha, kids. I'm glad you were able to recover

As far as girlfriends go, I traded that 386 machine in for a custom built six-core gaming rig

XiaoTech

This post makes me miss my ex. She always got onto me if I wasn't studying during my free time. She appreciated the attention and time I gave her...but she was always quick to remind me when I was slacking. I missed out on a great one there. She was tri-lingual, had her Masters degree and worked hard for it. ~sigh~ Now I'm studying and improving myself. Better late than never.