Stupid User Quotes

I just had to share these classic quotes from a support call i have just taken:

It took all my efforts to not laugh down the phone.

Caller: "Its not a router its a wireless box"

Caller: "The ports are on the back" (When asked about Port Forwarding)

Ahhhh...... Thats made my day.

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seccie

back in the '90s:
consultant: do you use mice?
user from accounting: no way, we are in the second floor here.

Orion82698

The funniest one I've heard was:

User : Hello, I'm having problems printing. It doesn't seem to come out.

Helpdesk : I'm not sure your machine is seeing the printer on the network

User : Hold on a second.....

Helpdesk : Ok

User : Ok, I just tried again, and it still doesn't work.

Helpdesk : What did you try?

User : I just turned my monitor to the printer so it could see it, and it still didn't print.

Slowhand

I remember this gem of a phonecall from my days as a PC tech:

Me: "Thank you for calling the CompUSA techshop, how can I help you?"

Angry Customer: "You guys installed the damn thing, come out and fix it!"

Me: "What 'damn thing', and what's going on with it?"

AC: "You idiots came to my house and installed my iMac about a year ago, and now it's dead!"

Me: "It's dead, you say? Is it simply not booting up to the Mac OS, or are you not getting any power at all?"

AC: "There's no power, dammit!"

Me: "Alright, let me see if we can do some troubleshooting to see what the problem is, I don't want you to have to bring it in unless you absolutely have to."

AC: "Damn right I'm not bringing it in, you're gonna come out here and pick it up."

Me: "Umm. . . right, okay. What was the last thing that happened before it powered down?"

AC: "There was a f#$*ing power outage!"

Me: "Alright, and what happened when the power came back on?"

AC: "Nothing, the thing doesn't work!"

Me: "Was the computer plugged directly into the wall, or did you have it on a power strip?"

AC: "It was plugged into one of those damned things your salesman made me buy. F#$*ing rip-off!"

Me: "Okay, so it wasn't plugged directly into the wall. That's good news, since the power strip probably took whatever power surge may have occured. What happens when you try to hit the power button?"

AC: "There is no f#$*ing power button!"

Me: "Come again?"

AC: "It's an iMac, there is no power button. That's why I bought it, your salesguy said it would 'just work'."

Me: "Sir, there is a power button on every computer. How have you been turning it on in the past?"

AC: "I just told you, it's an iMac!"

Me: "And you've just left it on since the tech came out and installed it for you?"

AC: "What the hell do you think?"

Me: "Alright, I want you to look on the side of the computer, down along the right side. Slip your fingers along there, you'll see a little button with a circle and a line coming straight down the middle. Push it."

AC: "I already told you, there is no f#$*ing power-"
<iMac chime heard in the background>
*CLICK*

keenon

user: the network is down and nothing works

tech: when did this first start

silence... " the sound of email arriving"

user: O, I didn't have it the program open

Orion82698

Slowhand wrote:

I remember this gem of a phonecall from my days as a PC tech:

Me: "Thank you for calling the CompUSA techshop, how can I help you?"

Angry Customer: "You guys installed the damn thing, come out and fix it!"

Me: "What 'damn thing', and what's going on with it?"

AC: "You idiots came to my house and installed my iMac about a year ago, and now it's dead!"

Me: "It's dead, you say? Is it simply not booting up to the Mac OS, or are you not getting any power at all?"

AC: "There's no power, dammit!"

Me: "Alright, let me see if we can do some troubleshooting to see what the problem is, I don't want you to have to bring it in unless you absolutely have to."

AC: "Damn right I'm not bringing it in, you're gonna come out here and pick it up."

Me: "Umm. . . right, okay. What was the last thing that happened before it powered down?"

AC: "There was a f#$*ing power outage!"

Me: "Alright, and what happened when the power came back on?"

AC: "Nothing, the thing doesn't work!"

Me: "Was the computer plugged directly into the wall, or did you have it on a power strip?"

AC: "It was plugged into one of those damned things your salesman made me buy. F#$*ing rip-off!"

Me: "Okay, so it wasn't plugged directly into the wall. That's good news, since the power strip probably took whatever power surge may have occured. What happens when you try to hit the power button?"

AC: "There is no f#$*ing power button!"

Me: "Come again?"

AC: "It's an iMac, there is no power button. That's why I bought it, your salesguy said it would 'just work'."

Me: "Sir, there is a power button on every computer. How have you been turning it on in the past?"

AC: "I just told you, it's an iMac!"

Me: "And you've just left it on since the tech came out and installed it for you?"

AC: "What the hell do you think?"

Me: "Alright, I want you to look on the side of the computer, down along the right side. Slip your fingers along there, you'll see a little button with a circle and a line coming straight down the middle. Push it."

AC: "I already told you, there is no f#$*ing power-"
<iMac chime heard in the background>
*CLICK*

Darwin award!!!

amyamandaallen

This is an honest one when I was a field engineer covering primary schools... I arrive onsite.....

Teacher - The printer doesnt work

Me - OK, so theres no power on is it just not printing?

Teacher - There is power, but it just wont print anything

Me - OK, so when was it last working?

Teacher - Before someone shoved a porkpie down the back !!

You just cant answer that

steve-o87

The stupidest for me was:

Home User: I cant connect to the internet from home because the corporate VPN is down.
Me: Right...You dont have VPN access to us if you dont have a working internet connection.
Home User: Uhh...Yes, so can you fix it?
Me: 10 minutes of explaining the basics of a vpn tunnel.

I love the way people blame IT even if they had absolutely nothing to do with the problem in the first place.

bighornsheep

very recent one for me
User: my computer has been hacked, I can't see anything in the top of the screen.

me: you mean there's only half the screen showing, and the top is black?

user: no, everything always goes to the bottom

me: can you explain 'everything' please

user: my news, my account statements, my bank says nothing is wrong with their network.

me: so when you open your news, what happens?

user: I told you, it goes to the bottom, nothing shows from the top.

me: are you holding down anything from the keyboard or mouse?

user: no, it just goes to the bottom

me: is your keyboard/mouse on a desk, or keyboard tray?

user: desk

me: what else is on your desk

user: books, pens, my normal stuff

me: is any of those on your keyboard?

user: no...I mean, my books are on the keyboard...

me: so how did you access the website?

user: I dont, I bookmark it...ok, so what do I do?

me: put your books somewhere else, and see what happens

user: oh, ok, it's ok now.

me: okay, thank you for your call...

corey1980

#1
Me: "What Operating System are you running?"
User: "Microsoft Word 2003"

#2
Me: "Do you know how to get to My Computer?"
User: "Why do I need to go to your computer, mine is the one not working?"

#3
I don't remember the exact conversation but I reset a lady's username to 1 and her password to 1 and she still couldn't type the combo correctly. I literally had to remote into her machine to get her logged in to the system. I almost killed myself after that call.

amyamandaallen

Im all for helping the user but sometimes they are just idiots

Am I the only one whos had this???

Basically a pc doesnt turn on or the monitor either, no light, nothing. So I ask them to see if its on at the wall. They then turn around and mumble things like Im not computer literate

or something similar.

My god this isnt computer science its common sense

. If they put toast in the toaster in the morning and it doesnt cook do they check its turned on or just go hungry???

/RANT OVER

steve-o87

amyamandaallen wrote:

Im all for helping the user but sometimes they are just idiots

Am I the only one whos had this???

Basically a pc doesnt turn on or the monitor either, no light, nothing. So I ask them to see if its on at the wall. They then turn around and mumble things like Im not computer literate or something similar.

My god this isnt computer science its common sense . If they put toast in the toaster in the morning and it doesnt cook do they check its turned on or just go hungry???

/RANT OVER

Haha. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has days like this

Unfortunately though, we who work in support, whatever it may be, we are always the fall guys. I am more network/server support but occasionaly I get given the dreaded user's desktop calls, I just breathe, count backwards from 10 and remove any blunt objects from my sight.

Basically you have just got to laugh it off and kick ass. :P

RussS

Today .....

Client: Hello Russ, I can't get to the internet.

Me: Ok, lets go through this one step at a time. Can you see the server when you look in Network Neighborhood?

Client: I don't have that.

Me: Ok, if you go to My Computer and click on it you will see Network Neighborhood or Network Places to the left of the screen.

Client: But the server is on my right.

Me: I was talking about the My Computer icon on your desktop.

Client: Icon? There is only my laptop on my desktop.

Me: OK *pause* You laptop is running?

Client: Yes.

Me: Ok, click on the start menu and then click on the icon for My Computer.

Client: Whats an icon? I thought it was one of those little statuettes of a god or something.

Me: It's the little symbol that represents your computer in the start menu.

Client: Oh, thats what they are called.

Me: Yes, thats right *sighs and supresses laugh*. Ok, can you see the link to the left for Network Places?

Client: Yes.

Me: Ok, I will get you to click on that and then tell me what is listed there.

Client: Oh OK. It says Microsoft Windows Network.

Me: Cool - click on that.

Client: Nothing happens.

Me: Hmmm, *thinks for a second* maybe I better pop around and take a look as it sounds like perhaps your network switch is not working.

*click* connection broken .....

I tried to call back but no answer.

A few minutes later the client calls back.

Client: Sorry Russ my phone went flat so I borrowed the boss's.

** Now as they use cordless phones I did not think too much of this **

Me: Ok, before I come down there I will just get you to check that you are plugged in and the switch is working correctly. Check the cable that you use to connect your laptop to the port on the wall .... *pause* NO, not the power one

Client: Yes, that is plugged in.

Me: Ok, I will now get you to go check the switch is powered on.

Client: Ok - you will stay on the line?

Me: Yes.

Client: Back in a minute.

*click* connection broken .....

A few minutes later.

Client: Sorry Russ - that phone went flat too so I went to borrow one from one of the girls.

Me: Thats OK, I am just web-browsing while I waited.

Client: Yes, but her phone had no money on it so I went next door and used their phone.

Me: No money? Why are you using a cell?

Client: Because our phones are not working.

Me: Ahhh, and how long have they not been working.

Client: Oh, probably about the time that the internet stopped working.

Me: Ok, I think maybe your internet problem might be because your phones are out - probably a Telecom problem.

Client: Yes that could be the case as there are a lot of Telecom vans outside our building.

Me: Oh, there are Telecom vans there?

Client: Yes and some other utility vehicles.

Me: Hmmm, I wonder what happened.

Client: Oh, there was a car that had an accident and crashed into the front of our building.

Me: *trying not to laugh* Hmmm - ok, perhaps you can call me back after they have gone if you still have no internet.

Client: Ok Russ, I will do that.

A few minutes later ....... client rings again.

Client: Hello Russ - do you think you could come around and stop that box next to the server from making a noise?

Me: What sort of noise?

Client: Oh it is kind of beeping - it has been doing that since the power went out after the car accident.

Me: *really trying not to laugh* Oh, is that so?

Client: Yes, why do you think I have been using the cell phone for the last half hour?

Me: *now I am cracking up and near hysterics* Ahhhh look, I have another call - please give me a call when the power comes on.

*click*

Lots of laughing and swearing .... time for a beer (and it is only 3.30).

My boss ... Russ, you are not going to charge her for Remote Support are you?

Me - damn right I am

amyamandaallen

That just reminded me of another annoying thing.

Me - ok can you click on the my computer icon ( applies to any icon really that you know is there )

User - its not there

Me - it will be, honest

User - no I cant see it

Me - OK please read me every icon you have on your screen ( give them something to do

)

User - ahhhhhhhh, its there now.

Webmaster

'users' never change...

Sie

Had one this morning that i knew was going to be bad when i answered the phone and was greeted with:

"I had a problem with my system so I had a fiddle........."

The classic 'i have a machine at home so i know how these things work' situation.

russ very amusing story, how you didnt laugh down the phone i will never know
amyamandaallen i have that every day

sprkymrk

amyamandaallen wrote:

Me - OK please read me every icon you have on your screen ( give them something to do )

User - ahhhhhhhh, its there now.

That is a great idea!

And to everyone else - very good stuff!

Can you say "JOB SECURITY"?

5no-yt

User: My program wont save!
Tech: *click*

I was having a bad day!

Chivalry1

This is the most memorable for me ever:

{{{Incoming Email from User:}}}}

Message from XXXXUser: "My email doesn't work."

WTF, I just deleted the email!!! My thought was even if she was having intermediate problems with email why send us a email.

keatron

My favorite.

This call came directly to me from one of my biggest clients (publically traded company).

President: Keatron, I need you to get here as soon as possible. I think we have been hacked and our IT department has not responded to my concern.

Me: Ok Mr. XXXXX why do you feel you've been hacked? There is someone taking over my machine, you have to come see the mess that's happening here right now. You designed the security here, so you need to get your a$$ in here right now.

I fly back to Chicago within 2 hours, get to their building, go in the President's office to find some cheap jewelry on the screen. It only took me a minute to realize someone had been bidding on ebay and attempting to print out the bid results, but wasn't able to turn on the printer (there were 10 printer offline messages on the screen as well).

Fortunately, the ebay username was still up, and it was ymr69, which was the initials and date of birth of his wife!!! A quick phone call to her revealed she came in to do some shopping (because he broke their home internet connection) tried to print, and after several attempts determined the computer was broken, so she just left everything as it was.

So I booked a last minute flight from Denver to Chicago, pushed another clients appointment back, because his wife wanted to shop, didn't understand that printers needed to be powered on to print, and didn't have since enough to report anything to anyone.

Cost of my ticket $475 (billed to them)
Cost of my time $2400 (6 hours at $400/hr)

The look on his face and the verbal thrashing to his wife over the phone after I discovered what was going on? Priceless!!!!

tibul

thats a good one keatron, must have been pritty annoying having to fly all that way just to find out it was something so simple oh well atleast you made some $ from it

sprkymrk

Me: Okay, now do a right click.
User: A what? How do I do that?

Me: Just click with the right mouse button.
User: My mouse is on the right, and it's the only one I have.

================

Here is one I heard about -

Tech answering phone: Tech support, how may I help?
User (female): Yes, I am having trouble with xyz application.

[Tech finds out some details and remotes into her workstation]

Tech: Okay Miss, I am looking at your desktop right now and...

[Tech hears sudden scream, phone drops, background noise of running feet]

A minute later-

User: Oh my goodness... (out of breath)
Tech: Are you all right Miss, what happened?

User: I was sitting here undressed since I just woke up, but I didn't know you could see me!

keatron

sprkymrk wrote:

Here is one I heard about -

Tech answering phone: Tech support, how may I help?
User (female): Yes, I am having trouble with xyz application.

[Tech finds out some details and remotes into her workstation]

Tech: Okay Miss, I am looking at your desktop right now and...

[Tech hears sudden scream, phone drops, background noise of running feet]

A minute later-

User: Oh my goodness... (out of breath)
Tech: Are you all right Miss, what happened?

User: I was sitting here undressed since I just woke up, but I didn't know you could see me!

Ok, now that one beats all I've ever seen or heard..lol.

Plantwiz

This is one of my older ones W9x on NT4:

Owner: Annouces over the PA that there is a virus on the network. But he has quaratineed it for 'now'.
ME: I go to his office to see what he has noticed and why the big 'alert'
Owner: Complains that 'everyone' is using the Internet for non-work 'stuff' and wants me to find the source.
ME: Ok. I go to the server room and start looking through the AV logs. I can only find that the AV has files from HIS machine logged and his big 'network virus' was the HAPPY99 worm.

When I reported back to him my findings....and even had to show him...he decided to 'handle' the ALL CLEAR announcement.

****

I really had a 'coffee cup' holder incident.

****

Had real 'bugs' inside a computer, hence when the customer declared his computer had a bug....a had a tough time saying that 'A' bug was an understatement.

****

So many over the years....

Probably my favorite!! Man enters the store to build his own computer, so he bought all his components and left. He and his 'Friend' were assembling this computer and he was experiencing over=heating issues. Puzzled he returns to us and his genius 'friend' tells him to get another CPU. He does and the same result.

ANGRY at our store, he returns with his computer and while I'm checking it in and he is relaying the story I ask him if he minds if I take a quick look with him present. He's carrying on about how stupid our staff is and the kid who sold him the stuff didn't tell him half the stuff his 'friend' did...etc...

I open up the chassis and what do I see? Under this heatsink and above his AMD Tbird was the PLASTIC packaging guard MELTED to the heatsink. Both had melted in such a way I could read the serial numbers from BOTH CPUs on the heatsink.

He wanted it fixed. OK, sure, that will be $75 min bench, plus a new CPU and any possible other components that may have been damaged. Darn near had to call the Police to have him removed. Instead he just stormed out...never heard from him again. It was quite a scene. At the time very serious and several of us were very concerned and attempting to get things straightened out for him, but after that last performance and about 15 minutes since he'd left....we had a bit of a chuckle.

Hence our newly adopted sign of Min bench Fee $75. Emegency Service $90 p/hr. "My friend helped me fee" $200 p/hr.

sprkymrk

Plantwiz wrote:

Hence our newly adopted sign of Min bench Fee $75. Emegency Service $90 p/hr. "My friend helped me fee" $200 p/hr.

I used to quote this when I was doing electrical work:

Service Charge Rates
$40/hour standard
$50/hour if you watch
$60/hour if you help

royal

I don't do help desk, but I did get a private call from one of our clients one time asking for help. He told me he's getting an error like "Operating System not Found." I asked him if a floppy disk is in his computer. He stated no. So we began troubleshooting. About 5 minutes later, he said, "Oh, you know what? There actually is a floppy disk in my computer." He promptly took the floppy disk out, booted the computer, and Windows started loading.

supertechCETma

"It was working fine yesterday."

amyamandaallen

this is straight from my inbox - can you guess the problem??

amy...

I have a problem - my laptop has crashed!

I was trying to copy my files to the server last night so that I could hand over the laptop to the ****** Office & then nothing

I can hear it whirring as it trys to start, but absolutely nothing happens

The only thing I can think is that I spilt a bit of water yesterday, but it was working fine afterwards

Can you please call me in my office to discuss

Thanks

***** ( username hidden to protect the stupid )

CLASSIC

JDMurray

I just gave telephone tech support to a lady who was holding a crying baby. No sh*t. I just had to tell somebody.

Kaminsky

In my time I have experienced many. Here are some of the more memorable ones:

- Standing there getting ranted at by a medical consultant. Nothing wrong with the printer, nothing wrong with the print queue. Ask him to show me how it's not printing and he takes a piece of paper, puts it squarely against the screen and presses the print screen button.... and shouts "See... nothing on it... it's not ***** working"

- Asking a new secretary to click the Word icon on her screen only to see he pick up her mouse and touch it against the screen where the icon is.

- Having another consultant, of the "I can fix people so I can fix PCs" variety with a dead PC. Upon subtle questioning I discovered he had taken off the lid and messed about with the dip switches to try and make it go faster. Took me ages to get them back where they were supposed to go.

But my favourite was told to me by an tech from another company that was closing down and we were buying some of their old stock cheap. His company ran a ferry service across the Eglish channel and he worked as an IT tech on both sides. Got an irate phone call about a dead PC from Belgium and eventually had to get on the ferry over there and then drive 20 miles to their office. Irate user met him still ranting and led him to the office with the offending PC. Very dark in the room and tech asked if lights could be put on so he could see what he was doing (you can see where this is going....) Irate user got even more irate and shouted he would if there wasn't a power cut now get it fixed. Tech had to explain that PCs actually don't work like phones and do not draw their power from the internet. How he did that without thumping the guy I will never know.

cburnham

Thanks, all - this is a HILARIOUS thread! I got some good laughs and a much-needed study break (studying for N+; been working in IT for over five years; figure it's time).

I say this a lot to users: "There is no such thing as a right double-click."

What frustrates me is having to explain this to users who have been using a computer in their job for years but suffer from the ID-10T syndrome, "Go to Edit, choose Copy, click on the page, go to Edit, choose Paste."

The one thing users always say in response to every problem, "The server is down." For some reason, that one really irks me.

Our e-mail host is having issues today, so we can't retrieve e-mail. Two users come to my office, "Outlook won't open." Me: "When you click on the icon the program doesn't open?" Them: "Well, yes, it does, but e-mail isn't coming in." Me:"E-mail is down; your Outlook program is fine, there's a big difference." I said it jokingly...

Argh. I try my best to stay humble and be nice, however, I know there are users that don't come to me any longer because I probably had a hint of "you are in the ID-10T league" in my attitude. In my defense, these are the users who have been shown the same thing over and over and still ask the same questions over and over.

Still, when you are a one-woman show - managing the website, email, all five sites' networks, hardware, and also the helpdesk for about 45 users, you really have to stay approachable. I truly don't want people to not call me when they are having problems, but I must admit, there are some people I'm okay with not hearing from.

Am I bad?