Relationship vs. Career Dilemma

Have you guys ever had a college sweetheart you met at an out-of-state school? I hope your sweetheart turned out to be your spouse/partner today, because I would really need your advices and opinions on it.

The thing is that I have been with my girlfriend for 21 months (1 years, 9 months) so far. She and I live about 400 miles apart from each other. Now we are experiencing our first long-distance relationship for 3 months so far. The school we attended is 300 miles away from my home in Jersey, and she live in northwestern NY, 60 miles west from school.

I didn't think I would see the days until now. I was suppose to return to school this school-year for 2 more years to complete my undergraduate, but the tuition and the living-expense was unbearable, especially when I was living out of state. My source of income was government assistance, minimum-wage jobs on campus, and financial aid (technically my student loans that I would have to pay back later). I tried my best to stay in the area and hang in there, but I couldn't find a job up there. I guess the employment market must be that bad up there but I can't ignore the fact that discrimination could be a problem. I have better chance of finding jobs here in NJ rather than upstate NY. I wish there was a way to stay there, so that I can see my girlfriend and schoolmates (who turned out to be good friends I like to keep in touch with) more often.

So rather than being a sucker, I picked up my mess and moved back in with my mom. I figured WGU was my viable option, and I don't regret making that decision. My girlfriend recently graduated last May when I left town for good. So far, we have been communicating through Skype, SMS, and AIM. We talked about the future a lot lately, and what got me stumped here is that who's suppose to follow who, and who's suppose to do this/that first?

She's currently looking for a job in her area to at least earn some cash and start paying off her student loans. So far, she hasn't really heard from anyone yet. She's a biotechnology major with not so great but satisfactory performance in school. Although, she has tremendous leaderships and community-service experiences. I find it difficult to give her some of the advices I learned from you guys, because it wasn't applicable at all. You can't tell a science major to get experience without degree. That doesn't work for them.

She wanted to go for her masters, but money was an issue. So she's praying that she will lands a job with full benefits (tuition reimbursement).

While she's still looking, I am right behind her, working toward my BS. I have a good feeling I will finish no later than April of next year, but I'm still aiming to graduate sooner. I just finished my summer internship last week, and I have to say I made some good connections there. I have a good feeling that I would be more likely to get a job there when I'm ready for them and when they have an opening for me. They paid pretty well for an intern. Like you guys said, I have to keep applying for other jobs while I'm at it. Well, the thing is I'm not sure whether I should keep looking for a job locally or where my girlfriend lives. I certainly do not want to live there. We do not want to live anywhere nears our hometowns or our family members (Not that we hate our families. It's the "ghetto" thing we want to avoid).

What I have been thinking about is that I may have a "promising" future waiting for me that I cannot imaging turning down. I was not sure if I should act upon it quickly. My girlfriend and I are not exactly alike. I have a driving license and a car, and she doesn't. Transportation could be an issue when I decide that she should live with me if I'm the first one to settle. So, I had to be more selective with where I should live, so that she can use reliable public transportations. She was also recently diagnosed with a condition that prevent her from getting a driving license. If I have to follow her, then I believe I would probably have harder time looking for jobs than my hearing peers. The company that I was interning with hired me because they give people like myself a chance to work for them. The competition is a lot easier for me when apply for jobs that are only interested in hiring diversity/minority groups. The things is that there are not many opportunities like this out there, and I still would have to compete with the rest of the world.

Now back to the bold question, what should we do? I wouldn't be surprised if some of you believe that I shouldn't take this relationship seriously and move on, but that doesn't work for everyone.

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Comments

NOC-Ninja

You shouldnt be asking us if you love her. Follow her if you love and you see a future with her. There's a lot of jobs in NY.

Now if you think that your priority is yourself, then break it up and concentrate on yourself.

hiddenknight821

Okay. Maybe I'm not being verbose enough here. I need to remind everyone that I'm a fresh IT guy here, and so far my sigs, certs, and degree listed here are up to date.

So far, I only have two summer internship experiences, and no PT/FT experience yet.

My first internship is working at a videophone provider as a technical support specialist. Most of the time, I troubleshooted the customers' home routers by connecting to it remotely and configure the port forwarding rules properly to allow their videophone devices to communicate seamlessly with other endpoints. They weren't able to make calls, so I had to open the ports.

My recent internship had me working on IBM Tivoli Netcool/OMNIbus middleware, and during half of my time there, I was doing other paperworks, filling data in the spreadsheets, reading documentation, and typing reports. I have to tell you I have no clue what I was doing with the middleware since I only dealt with it for a short time under the supervision of my colleague.

Do you guys think I still stand a chance to find jobs anywhere in the country despite my possible shortcomings? If yes, then I will take my chance to start applying for jobs in her neck of woods if she got the job before I do.

jamesleecoleman

All I can really tell you is to get together with her and make a plan with backup plans just in case things don't go right. Have you tried looking for a NOC 3rd shift position?

powerfool

I cannot really offer much advice... I got married to my high school sweetheart and I was the motivated one... so it just fell upon me to advance my career. Indianapolis is the center of biotech, if that provides any insight. Best wishes.

VAHokie56

If your going to WGU you can pretty much relocate anywhere...Let her look around for a good job that will pay enough to help both of you out while your still in school ( assuming you don't mind mooching) Move with her to where ever that is and look for a entry level spot and finish your degree and live happily ever after. Thanks fokes Ill be here all night

hiddenknight821

Thanks guys. I guess giving me a very good advice on this situation isn't easy. I'm glad I took the WGU route, so I can relocate anywhere. When I see her next time, we will have a long discussion about this and map out our plan. I hope she got a job by the time I see her, but I don't think she will be moving out of her parents' home within the next 12 months. She will probably work somewhere nears a bus/train line to get to work. Now I can see how a lack of driving license can severely affect one's ability to succeed. Maybe she would have better luck.

Do you guys think I should wait until one of us got a job then decide what to do next from there? I'm just trying to plan this things in advance.

NetworkingStudent

hiddenknight821 wrote: »

Have you guys ever had a college sweetheart you met at an out-of-state school? I hope your sweetheart turned out to be your spouse/partner today, because I would really need your advices and opinions on it.

The thing is that I have been with my girlfriend for 21 months (1 years, 9 months) so far. She and I live about 400 miles apart from each other. Now we are experiencing our first long-distance relationship for 3 months so far. The school we attended is 300 miles away from my home in Jersey, and she live in northwestern NY, 60 miles west from school.

I didn't think I would see the days until now. I was suppose to return to school this school-year for 2 more years to complete my undergraduate, but the tuition and the living-expense was unbearable, especially when I was living out of state. My source of income was government assistance, minimum-wage jobs on campus, and financial aid (technically my student loans that I would have to pay back later). I tried my best to stay in the area and hang in there, but I couldn't find a job up there. I guess the employment market must be that bad up there but I can't ignore the fact that discrimination could be a problem. I have better chance of finding jobs here in NJ rather than upstate NY. I wish there was a way to stay there, so that I can see my girlfriend and schoolmates (who turned out to be good friends I like to keep in touch with) more often.

So rather than being a sucker, I picked up my mess and moved back in with my mom. I figured WGU was my viable option, and I don't regret making that decision. My girlfriend recently graduated last May when I left town for good. So far, we have been communicating through Skype, SMS, and AIM. We talked about the future a lot lately, and what got me stumped here is that who's suppose to follow who, and who's suppose to do this/that first?

She's currently looking for a job in her area to at least earn some cash and start paying off her student loans. So far, she hasn't really heard from anyone yet. She's a biotechnology major with not so great but satisfactory performance in school. Although, she has tremendous leaderships and community-service experiences. I find it difficult to give her some of the advices I learned from you guys, because it wasn't applicable at all. You can't tell a science major to get experience without degree. That doesn't work for them. She wanted to go for her masters, but money was an issue. So she's praying that she will lands a job with full benefits (tuition reimbursement).

While she's still looking, I am right behind her, working toward my BS. I have a good feeling I will finish no later than April of next year, but I'm still aiming to graduate sooner. I just finished my summer internship last week, and I have to say I made some good connections there. I have a good feeling that I would be more likely to get a job there when I'm ready for them and when they have an opening for me. They paid pretty well for an intern. Like you guys said, I have to keep applying for other jobs while I'm at it. Well, the thing is I'm not sure whether I should keep looking for a job locally or where my girlfriend lives. I certainly do not want to live there. We do not want to live anywhere nears our hometowns or our family members (Not that we hate our families. It's the "ghetto" thing we want to avoid).

What I have been thinking about is that I may have a "promising" future waiting for me that I cannot imaging turning down. I was not sure if I should act upon it quickly. My girlfriend and I are not exactly alike. I have a driving license and a car, and she doesn't. Transportation could be an issue when I decide that she should live with me if I'm the first one to settle. So, I had to be more selective with where I should live, so that she can use reliable public transportations. She was also recently diagnosed with a condition that prevent her from getting a driving license. If I have to follow her, then I believe I would probably have harder time looking for jobs than my hearing peers. The company that I was interning with hired me because they give people like myself a chance to work for them. The competition is a lot easier for me when apply for jobs that are only interested in hiring diversity/minority groups. The things is that there are not many opportunities like this out there, and I still would have to compete with the rest of the world.

Now back to the bold question, what should we do? I wouldn't be surprised if some of you believe that I shouldn't take this relationship seriously and move on, but that doesn't work for everyone.

I know guy at work that has a girlfriend that doesn’t drive and he takes her to work almost every day. He also picks up his kid from daycare and works a second job, so it can be done. Throw all your IT stuff out the window, and ask yourself do you love her? I have seen a few members on this board lose loved ones, because they got wrapped up in studying for IT certifications, and obsessing about technology. If you love each other you will find a way to make it work. Jobs come and go, but finding true love is so much harder to find and can be a once in a life time experience. Trust me, because I have been there. If she loves you she will meet you half way and compromise. Follow you heart.
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I hope this helps

Turgon

NetworkingStudent wrote: »

Throw all your IT stuff out the window, and ask yourself do you love her? I have seen a few members on this board lose loved ones, because they got wrapped up in studying for IT certifications, and obsessing about technology.

Millions of people forgot that during the IT certification rat race. It's unhealthy and a personality destroyer that makes you more unsocial and more unemployable as time marches on. At the higher levels of IT you need emotional intelligence and to be able to mix and handle yourself around people under pressure.

Concentrate on a happy, balanced personal life first, far more important than silly bits of paper. You will get more of them in the long run anyway if your personal life is well glued and have a much more successful career in the long term.

hiddenknight821

NetworkingStudent wrote: »

I know guy at work that has a girlfriend that doesn’t drive and he takes her to work almost every day. He also picks up his kid from daycare and works a second job, so it can be done. Throw all your IT stuff out the window, and ask yourself do you love her? I have seen a few members on this board lose loved ones, because they got wrapped up in studying for IT certifications, and obsessing about technology. If you love each other you will find a way to make it work. Jobs come and go, but finding true love is so much harder to find and can be a once in a life time experience. Trust me, because I have been there. If she loves you she will meet you half way and compromise. Follow you heart.

+1. Thanks for the great advice. I hope my future works out somewhat like your friend. I'm trying not to get too involved with cert stuff, but like I said, it's not easy to get my foot in the door everywhere with the small amount of experience I have. I also have a disability that may hamper my success in securing a job. If I have several years of experience to back me up, then I would have been more confident in making a move and would not bother posting my dilemma here. It's a cruel world out there for all of us. So, I am only missing a bachelor degree that I need to pick up before I can start tackling the job market again. I tried that with my AAS, and there was little success when I was unemployed for two months after I left school. I don't really consider myself unemployed since I haven't gotten my first permanent long-term job yet. When I hear unemployed, it implies that someone recently lost their jobs.

hiddenknight821

Turgon wrote: »

Millions of people forgot that during the IT certification rat race. It's unhealthy and a personality destroyer that makes you more unsocial and more unemployable as time marches on. At the higher levels of IT you need emotional intelligence and to be able to mix and handle yourself around people under pressure.

Concentrate on a happy, balanced personal life first, far more important than silly bits of paper. You will get more of them in the long run anyway if your personal life is well glued and have a much more successful career in the long term.

Very true. I agree. Honestly, I could had been selfish and abandon this relationship, but that's not what I wanted. I need to be in a relationship where I feel loved and I can share my feeling with. It's just that I don't have any money to begin with to make the move. I need to find a job first that comes with relocation benefit. If I have been working for 10 years and I just met the life of my life, I would have made sacrifices right away. No question ask.

whatthehell

Turgon wrote: »

Millions of people forgot that during the IT certification rat race. It's unhealthy and a personality destroyer that makes you more unsocial and more unemployable as time marches on. At the higher levels of IT you need emotional intelligence and to be able to mix and handle yourself around people under pressure.

Concentrate on a happy, balanced personal life first, far more important than silly bits of paper. You will get more of them in the long run anyway if your personal life is well glued and have a much more successful career in the long term.

+1 for this. Very important to have a good personal and mental life and have a good balance. Focusing too much on one area (IT, career, vid games, etc.) can lead to a very unbalanced life, leading to unhappiness.
Definitely sounds like you have been with her for a decent amount of time, so definitely isn't a new relationship. Sounds like it would be definitely a good idea to sit down with her and talk openly and create some kind of near future and possible farther down the road plan, if you feel serious about her and really thinks she is good for you.

Either way, best of luck!

NOC-Ninja

Turgon wrote: »

Millions of people forgot that during the IT certification rat race. It's unhealthy and a personality destroyer that makes you more unsocial and more unemployable as time marches on. At the higher levels of IT you need emotional intelligence and to be able to mix and handle yourself around people under pressure.

Concentrate on a happy, balanced personal life first, far more important than silly bits of paper. You will get more of them in the long run anyway if your personal life is well glued and have a much more successful career in the long term.

Turgon is right.

However, somehow, we will sacrifice things to get what we want or to be what we want to be. Lets look at the non-IT guys that are making money. Guys/Directors/Sr Managers in the corporation that makes more than 100k doesn't leave work at 5pm. Half of them are divorce or married and cheating.

My father in law is a dentist. He comes to work at 7am and leaves at 7pm. However, he makes more than 300k a year. lol

filkenjitsu

Find a neutral location to start applying for jobs together. Maybe look to Chicago since it is a big city with low cost of living. Both of you just start applying and seeing if you can get jobs. Chicago has great public transport and is WAY cheaper than the west coast, Manhattan, and most big cities in the north east.

Devilsbane

I have a completely different story that I'd rather not disclose, but ultimately comes down to the same questions.

Give up yourself for someone that might be the one? or Focus on improving myself and let time play its part. Lots of girls out there.

I don't have an answer for myself, and don't really have one for you either. 2 years is a long time. If you know for certain she is the one, then let nothing else stop you. Jobs will come and go but a wife will stand by you, assuming that she really is the one.

Why isn't she willing to chase you?

tpatt100

I moved for a girl and she ended up leaving me. Bright side was a couple of years later I met my future wife and got into IT.

I say follow your heart but be realistic and have a backup plan. Money issues can destroy plenty of relationships

hiddenknight821

Thanks everyone.

I appreciate some of the feedbacks you guys gave me. Two days ago, I visited my elementary school to visit my former teachers. They work in a small school in a small town, and it's not in the town that I grew up in. It's actually a special school for students like myself. I went through the program from the age of 2 to the end of my high school years, so I'm pretty much close to the people there. I am always welcome there.

I asked a few teachers there for their opinions on this since they were asking me what is my plan now after all these years I have been gone. I told them I am in between places now, and I need to really have a plan set. I told them about my relationship, and they told me that I should really focus on myself, especially in this economy. They told me that money was the reason for most of the divorce out there. If I make too much, I will probably get divorced. If I make way too less, then I will probably get divorced too. To me, it makes complete sense since I can't be too addicted to work, trying to make more money when I have enough. I can't live a bitter life, not having enough money after each paychecks that goes straight to bills and other expenses. They also told me that I shouldn't jump ship if my girlfriend doesn't have a job to begin with.

So I found their advices to very helpful since they know me well, and they are fully aware of alumni like myself who may face many obstacles to secure a career. So I had this discussion with my girlfriend recently, and we decided to go with the flow. I'm going with my original plan and try to chase after opportunities that I think I will have better chance succeeding. I agree that "eloping" is not a viable option for me here.

kiki162

This is more of "what should YOU do" situation.

I see a lot of reg flags with this situation unfortunately. Someone who is husband/wife material has there stuff together, an established career, and can take care of themselves. At 21 for the both of you, this isn't going to work in the long run. You are still in school and trying to look for work and you both just aren't established enough yet to really work in the long run IMHO.

Another thing to think about is taking the time for yourself and giving yourself the time to live out your 20's being single and establishing yourself. Maybe in 5 years or so, you'll be at that point and ready to think about the next step with a girl. But in all honestly you will thank yourself later for not trying to "make it work" and moving closer to your girl, or moving in. Plus without a real job for the both of you, college loans, and so on, money becomes the root of all evil in relationships.

My overall point is that you have a lot more of life to live right now at 21 than you would at 31. Being self-suffiecient also helps with this (i.e.: living on your own, paying all of your bills, etc).

There are too many what if's...like where should we move, and when/if we get a job, and public transportation because she can't drive. I could be wrong but it seems like you are doing way more than you need to be and the "willing to move closer towards her" isn't the best thing for you. There are other things to think about, like owning your first home by yourself, getting your degree, having your first job that gets you a good salary, and so on.

Normally, when there's no second guessing and questioning with situations like these it makes things a lot easier. Maybe once you get your degree, and a good full time job, maybe she would be willing to make move, and then find a job in that area. I like the neutral location idea personally that works best for both your field, and hers. The other issue, that would need to be addressed is if she came to live with you, could you support her financially for the time being. But while you both have bills, and no jobs...and your still in school you may have to wait for a year or two.

Devilsbane

I just wanted to drop back by and thank all of you for your posts. Reading this helped to inspire me to do what needed to be done. I can toss away my pride and admit when I have made a mistake. Hopefully she can see that and trust me again. Even if she can't, one day I'll be able to sleep easy knowing that I tried.

I'll let you know how it goes.

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"

-John Greenleaf Whittier

joeykeis

Just a Comment.. I used to be in the Military as an IT and had a long distance relationship at your age with someone who I swore up and down was the "one". Eventually got out of the Military and moved right next to her and found out our relationship was on being long distance and when we saw each other daily/hourly we werent a compatible match.. 3 years wasted of my young life and there were plenty of career choices that I made in which she had an effect on.. I could of done much more on the career side had I been single.. Anyways I learned a couple lessons:
1) Long Distance Sucks lol
2) Im going to wait until I am settled Career/Financially/Goal wise before I jump into something very serious, therefore I can dedicate myself to someone.
3) Im still young (25) and quite handsome I might add haha, and at this point I cant get into anything serious because I just have too many goals and will NOT be one of those older guys who always wonder what they COULD of had had it not been for decisions that they made while they were younger.

->Food for thought.

Arysta

I only have advice on one aspect of this -- your worry about student loans.

I'm in my 30's and one thing I've learned is that student loans don't need to be paid back immediately. If you're poor and can hardly get by, work with the student loan people to get as low a payment as possible (defer if possible). Yes, that will lead to more interest fees you'll have to pay back in the long run, but instead of working 24/7 to pay a few hundred extra bucks a month, you can be using that time to get certs and move up in the world. Your salary will rise more quickly, and you'll have more money to pay on your student loans -- you might even pay them off more quickly when all is said and done. As long as you work with the student loan folks and never default, you won't take a big credit hit for having that debt on your record, either.

I hate seeing young people fret about student loans when there's really no need. You're going into IT, trust me, you'll be able to pay them off without much hassle in the end. My advice might be different if you were going to be a social worker, but...

swild

I can't give you advice but I can tell you what I did.

I turned down admission to MIT to follow my high school girlfriend to a local university. Fast forward 4 years, I have changed majors so many times, I am still 2 years from graduating. I just don't like the school or the teachers. We get married and six months later, she cheats on me and leaves me. Every day since then I have thought about MIT and what my life could have been.

However, if I hadn't of followed her, I wouldn't have met the perfect girl that I am now married to, going on 4 years. Honestly, I would rather be with her than have gone to MIT. We have been together for 6 years and in that time have only spent 1 night apart when I had to stay overnight at a hospital.

They say that you can't be truely happy unless you have been truely miserable. Follow your heart or follow your head, everything works out eventually. I'm sure that I would be happy if I went to MIT but would always wonder about that girl I left behind. I still desire education, but you don't need college for that. I am very proud of how much I make without having a degree and being less than 30. Life is what you make of it.

I need coffee.

Devilsbane

joeykeis wrote: »

1) Long Distance Sucks lol
2) Im going to wait until I am settled Career/Financially/Goal wise before I jump into something very serious, therefore I can dedicate myself to someone.

I'm only going to comment on your 1 and 2.

1. Yes they do. Very few of them end up working out and those are usually the ones where they start long distance and then in the near future somebody moves. I don't think I know a single long distance relationship that survived for more than a year. (Well I do know 1, but they both constantly cheated on each other and are broken up now and neither ever moved).

2. I don't define myself as needing someone. I survived most of my life single just fine didn't I? But I do enjoy the company, and that attachment. Life is much more enjoyable when you have somebody that you can share your successes and failures with, and also someone who shares them back with you. Sure, friends can be good for this too but to me girlfriend and guy friend are a completely different thing. I want to get that promotion so that I can marry the one I love and have a family. I don't particularly care about getting one for a friend. Same goes for when something good happens to my buddy. Sure I'm happy for him, but it would have to be pretty huge for me to go nuts or something.

To get back on point about that, I'd rather be with someone now and build my career up with them than to meet already successful and hook up. I have a lot of goals too, and have plans to get them. I know that having kids and getting certified don't mix well. But when it comes down to it you need to prioritize. Some people are all about the knowledge, these people are very successful in their careers but never have time for a wife or a family. If this works for them, that is great. I on the other hand would put my family in front of my career. I still want to be successful, but my reasons are so that I can provide better for my family. As a child, once my dreams of being in the NFL were crushed, they became about being a dad and having a wife to come home to. Not about being the super duper systems admin. I honestly envy people with a wife and kids. But that is just my personal beliefs.