How do you deal with nepotism?

I've recently been passed for an advanced position within my organization because another candidate was considered a "go-getter" and described as "hungry." After discussing the situation with co-workers (while being careful not to come across as bitter or gossip-y), I've discovered that this person spends an unusual amount of time with our boss on their days off and goes out of their way to "woo" them at every given opportunity, which leads me to believe that advancement opportunities are dependent on who you go fishing with or whose barbecues you attend in this company. I've been with the company for a longer amount of time, possess more certifications, and even trained this person for the position they currently hold. Needless to say, I want to be measured by my abilities and not by how much butt my lips can touch.

This was both a kick in the pants in a hit beneath the belt. I'm more determined than ever to better myself. I'd be lying if I said that part of that motivation doesn't come from me wanting them to regret their decision.

Have you experienced this type of thing before? How did you deal with it and did you move on to bigger, better things?

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Plantwiz

Worry about yourself.

If you can look at yourself in the mirror at the end-of-the-day and are proud to stand there looking, you will be fine.

When one spends time worrying about what others may or may not be doing, it becomes a very slippery slope...and FWIW, you were gossiping, it is a poor practice to speak with other co-workers about another co-worker...don't be that guy who does it or participates in it. Those who avoid gossiping tend to go much further in their companies or goals (as sometimes it means you need to leave the environment to better yourself.

JamesKurtovich

Plantwiz wrote: »

...and FWIW, you were gossiping, it is a poor practice to speak with other co-workers about another co-worker...don't be that guy who does it or participates in it. Those who avoid gossiping tend to go much further in their companies or goals (as sometimes it means you need to leave the environment to better yourself.

I don't speak about co-workers to other co-workers often, but when I do, I usually justify it by telling myself that the discussion isn't about something or someone unrelated to work. My hope was to simply talk about the state of affairs, not to contribute to resentment. Maybe that line is much thinner than I think.

Plantwiz

Well Sevink,

In two posts you just admitted that you do not talk about others and follow with, "but when I do..."

Not picking on you, pointing out what you have commented on and in that vein I share with you that it (gossip) has no place in the workplace. I will put money on it that you were "passed over" because someone who make decision about who gets to work with whom did not appreciate one or a few of your non-comments (but just comparing notes on others).

Gossip of any type in the workplace is a no,no. This is one reason many woman struggle with advancement, they cannot keep their mouths shut about their coworkers. Golden rule, if you do not have something nice to say, do not say anything.

Prove me wrong, but if you can go three to six months with keeping your mouth shut about others you will begin to win back trust.

aderon

One of the things I've been able to figure out is that the reason this kind of person gets the promotion is because their manager is aware of their goals, knows who they are, and has a better picture of how they contribute to the team. Not necessarily because of the "buddy buddy" factor.

It's the same as with any relationship, the more time you spend with someone the better they are going to get to know you. In natural conversation you can get a feel for the qualities and characteristics a person possesses such as ambition, intelligence, integrity, etc. By allowing more opportunities for conversation, you're simultaneously solidifying who you are in the eyes of that person.

So, I wouldn't say it's necessarily about promoting the person they're friends with, so much as, because they are more familiar with the person, they have a better picture of who that individual is, what they're capable of, and are more comfortable with promoting them because of that.

One of the things I would suggest, is to make it a point to speak with your manager regularly about your career goals within the company and ask for their help and guidance on achieving them. It can go a long way towards changing how you appear towards your boss. You don't have to hang with them constantly or become "buddy buddy", but the simple act of showing your manager that you take the job seriously and are eager to improve yourself can make an impact.

Also, as an aside, this is not to discredit what you're saying and I'm not claiming that "buddy buddy" relationships don't exist. I'm merely sharing something that I've found to be helpful in my career and perhaps you might find helpful in yours.

TLDR: Speak up! Let your boss know what you want and ask for their guidance on how to get it. Prove that you can do what they've suggested, and I believe you'll find that all of a sudden you're the person getting all the promotions.

anhtran35

Real life is about who you know and how well you get along with them. That's basically Networking 101. Additionally, he might stepped up and showed DESIRE in ways such as working OT etc... I would focus on MYSELF and get more certs and start looking externally and internally for other positions.

cyberguypr

I was in the OP's shoes one time many moons ago. When I was doing desktop support I got passed over for a position I was more than qualified for. It was a move to the Network team and Itwas given to a guy that had almost zero experience in that area. I politely asked my boss what could've I done differently to get the positions. His answer was "Nothing. You were the most qualified resource. The problem is that the manager of that department wanted a follower, someone who will blindly execute his orders. You are known for thinking out of the box and questioning bad ideas. He loves executing bad ideas." Sometimes it's not you. Other times it is you.

And OP, like Plantwiz said, the "but when I do" line destroys your argument.

philz1982

LordSevink wrote: »

I've recently been passed for an advanced position within my organization because another candidate was considered a "go-getter" and described as "hungry." After discussing the situation with co-workers (while being careful not to come across as bitter or gossip-y), I've discovered that this person spends an unusual amount of time with our boss on their days off and goes out of their way to "woo" them at every given opportunity, which leads me to believe that advancement opportunities are dependent on who you go fishing with or whose barbecues you attend in this company. I've been with the company for a longer amount of time, possess more certifications, and even trained this person for the position they currently hold. Needless to say, I want to be measured by my abilities and not by how much butt my lips can touch.

This was both a kick in the pants in a hit beneath the belt. I'm more determined than ever to better myself. I'd be lying if I said that part of that motivation doesn't come from me wanting them to regret their decision.

Have you experienced this type of thing before? How did you deal with it and did you move on to bigger, better things?

I'm sorry but this is the real world. My former boss who is now a good friend of mine told me he was the one person who voted against hiring me b/c I seemed to rigid, I can't help that when I interview my military side comes out and it's yes sir/no sir. We are now good friends and he says he was completely wrong about my personality. Long story short, social standing, personality, and appearance have massive impact on hiring.

You need to have a strategy and plan of who to interact with. I moved to Milwaukee not for the wonderful -30 deg weather but to be at our company HQ so I can network with folks. There comes a point when the folks at your level have comparable skills and the soft-skills are a deciding factor.

What did you learn from this?

Itrimble

I agree with the importance of soft skills. They can make a huge difference in who stays in place and who gets promoted.

“There has never been a statue erected to honor a critic.”

Zig Ziglar

PJ_Sneakers

Are you sure this is truly nepotism? Maybe it's just someone who plays the game better than you do.

kiki162

Lord - It's those type of people that "play the game" that are still in the same job years later. Must get exhausting if you ask me. BTW, you'll find that in most jobs. There's always one or two that will be the overachiever.

Seriously though it's like any relationship in life, personal or professional. You will find someone that will appreciate and value you, and you won't have to put in additional energy to make it work. Personally, I'd work on looking elsewhere and get into a company where you feel valued and appreciated for the work that you do.

networker050184

PJ_Sneakers wrote: »

Are you sure this is truly nepotism? Maybe it's just someone who plays the game better than you do.

My thoughts exactly. Someone beat you. No need to speculate and blame it on something else. Do better next time to attain your goals.

Plantwiz

kiki162 wrote:

Seriously though it's like any relationship in life, personal or professional. You will find someone that will appreciate and value you, and you won't have to put in additional energy to make it work.

Really?

hmmm...I've always found any relationship worth having (business or personal) required a ton of energy. Never found success laying around being a slug and getting waited on by others appreciating that I sucked in air, than again, I guess I've never done it long enough to see any positive results.

NetworkNewb

sounds like the boss probably hired someone who he felt fit better with his team. Just cause someone knows a little more then another person doesn't mean they are best fit for the position. Gotta be able to work well with others. Not saying you don't at all, the manager might have felt he would work better with the other person though.

Who knows though.... Life isn't fair, gotta suck it up and move on.

anhtran35

I suggest buying and reading: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

pevangel

If you want something, be vocal about it. Communicate your goals to the people that matter, and let them know what you're doing to achieve those goals. If you want to be an engineer, then ask the engineers in your company what you need to do to become one. Ask them if there's anything that you can help them with. Give them awareness of the certs that you are studying for. It's not butt kissing, it's showing initiative. I guarantee you're more likely to get promoted doing what I mentioned than by just sitting there doing your job hoping someone would notice your achievements.

Jon_Cisco

In the end you have to understand that relationships matter.
When someone asks if you are a team player they are not inquiring about your technical skills.

The fact that you addressed the gossip questions in your original post indicates you were already aware that it is not good for your career.
IT is often exposed to privileged information and trust must be maintained.

Russell77

cyberguypr wrote: »

I was in the OP's shoes one time many moons ago. When I was doing desktop support I got passed over for a position I was more than qualified for. It was a move to the Network team and Itwas given to a guy that had almost zero experience in that area. I politely asked my boss what could've I done differently to get the positions. His answer was "Nothing. You were the most qualified resource. The problem is that the manager of that department wanted a follower, someone who will blindly execute his orders. You are known for thinking out of the box and questioning bad ideas. He loves executing bad ideas." Sometimes it's not you. Other times it is you.

And OP, like Plantwiz said, the "but when I do" line destroys your argument.

Almost all people in positions of power are going to surround themselves with people they can trust. Learning how to be tactful when getting an idea across is an important skill. If you are going to get along with a boss it is important for them to know you are not going to make them look bad.

jibbajabba

Bottom line: The ship has sailed .. As much as it sucks - the company decided to go with someone else for whatever reason and whatever you do to try to rectify it - it won't work and you will sound gossipy.

This is your career and talking to colleagues about it won't get you anywhere.

In my last job there was only one colleague who I talked to about things like that - but we'd be in the same boat and talking about it was merely to get it off our chest.

Only solution is to talk to your manager and move on. But like I say - they won't change their mind so you may as well take it or leave it .. Harsh, but that is the reality in situations such as this.

Situation was different 20 years ago - nowadays no one gives a damn if you leave or not so you have to look after yourself.

Oh and it isn't nepotism unless the new candidate is a relative of the hiring manager.

Tyb

This isn't nepotism, regardless of the reasons the other guy got the position. Nepotism would be getting special consideration because they was related.

Mishra

I've learned a lot about some lines of business in my current role. Having someone who builds contacts and makes friends is extremely important when growing your business.

Many times business is captured through who you know and what contacts you have. This becomes very very valuable.

All businesses are different. Your boss could have certainly have just liked the other guy better.

It's an experience and you get to learn from it. I love learning opportunities. I just went through a major failure in my role and I'm picking up the pieces and learning how to move on. I'm maintaining very positive on multiple fronts though.

tpatt100

I have learned over the years that many times you need to let the people who decide promotions that you exist, what your goals are, etc. I also learned that managers who do not talk to people you work with when deciding who to promote and just go with their own opinion are not thinking of the team when it comes to promotions. I have read numerous horror stories here where managers hire people without asking for coworker input and hired pretty bad employees.

zaleonardz

Firstly, check your definition of nepotism (Grammar **** Alert)

Secondly

While core skills remain relevant, they are a small part, I would guess 40/60 split. Where skills are 40%. or "Fit for purpose" is 40% of it, the rest, I am afraid, is marketing. He was simply better at marketing himself better then you were. A sale is a sale.

End of the day is, what are you prepared to do for that sale, the other guy was apparently willing to suck up, who knows maybe because he spent more time with the boss, the boss got closer to his core values, maybe they shared a lot of them, therefore...

If you are not happy, then move, or upskill first then move, or be innovative, and solve an organizational issue without being asked or necessarily rewarded, make your bosses boss life easier by your own ingenuity, and drinking/socializing with line managers is quickly trumped by achievements.

And approach this will real intent to do good, even if the added value is only to your self worth.

JamesKurtovich

I can't respond to everyone ITT, so I just want to say that I've gone through each response and thought about how it applies to my situation. I feel significantly better having read your feedback. I'm working on focusing inward and looking at myself and my own contributions to my organization. No, I'm not going to start courting the boss, but I am going to persist on more communication between us. This will require some self-motivation as communication isn't one of my strengths (in my opinion).

As for the gossip: I work in a place where "everyone does it" and I need to be extra cautious about that. It's not a habit I want to bring to another company.

Thanks, everyone.

Claymoore

“There has never been a statue erected to honor a critic.”

Zig Ziglar

Except this one time...
Roger Ebert Statue Unveiled | Festivals & Awards | Roger Ebert

I agree with most of the other posts here. You should have a talk with your boss about the missed opportunity. A friend on another team at my company was passed over for a promotion a while ago. He finally asked our GM why, and she said they just didn't think about him for the position. Now he is more engaged with the team and management, and he recently got that promotion. They were aware that he wanted the position and he was aware of what they expected of him to earn that position.

robS

Plantwiz wrote: »

...This is one reason many woman struggle with advancement, they cannot keep their mouths shut about their coworkers.

This is an unfair stereotype which I've personally found to be untrue in every organisation I've worked at. The poll which provided data for this article suggested men were more likely to gossip than women:

Men spend more time gossiping than women, poll finds - Telegraph

So I assume you have some decent evidence to back up your statement?

If not, then maybe you should follow your own advice:

Plantwiz wrote: »

Golden rule, if you do not have something nice to say, do not say anything.