Getting the cold shoulder

Techguru365

So I started a new job at this company about a month ago as a cyber analyst and everything was going well. There is a another person who holds the same title as me that was tasked with getting me up to speed on the processes that are unique to the particular agency... everything was cool up until last weekend, I was even told by my superiors that they are impressed at how quickly I'm catching on. Since Monday the other teammate has basically stopped talking to me altogether, No updates as usual, no acknowledgement when I come in to work and say hi, logs out in the evenings and leave without acknowledging me(the person gets off before I do), if we pass in the hallway, holds head down to avoid eye contact and don't say anything, no longer appears online to me via IM, but is available to everyone else.

I have no idea what is going on here. We were talking normally up until the past weekend. I'm not sure if the person feels threatened by me because I have better credentials and got a lil praise or what. Been the new guy I don't want to say anything to superiors regarding this. I don't know if I should swallow my pride and suck up to someone who clearly has issues with me to that extent or just mark this place off as a loss and move on.

sorry for the long rant.... but I'm just used to having teammates who I can collaborate with, learn from each other and grow both as individuals and as a team.

what would you guys do?

NetworkNewb

When I know someone is trying to avoid me or for some reason I hear they don't like me, I like to be overly friendly, like totally awkwardly over friendly, to them and try to get a smile out of them.

Always say hi to them (with a big smile, saying their name), ask them how their day is going, ask them a bunch of questions, make awkward jokes, try to hang around them... Pretty much act like they are your best friend. Even though they don't reciprocate. It is actually kind of fun to do this to someone who is acting this way.

One of two things will happen they will actually start talking to you again, or they will get so annoyed and upset at you they will tell you why they were avoiding you.

Techguru365

That's quite the opposite of my personality trait... but it does sound like something I could pull off with a lil effort lol.
I'm starting to think this person might be the reason why the company has been trying unsuccessfully to find a permanent person in this slot for the last 9 months. I'm finding out that everyone before me has only stayed like 2 months max.

rob42

Don't sweat it: If you 'know' that what you're doing is what you're paid to do, then you're good. I never pay any attention to what others do or say, I just do what I'm paid to do. If that upsets other people, it just means that they're most likely not doing what they're paid to do.

If you're bosses are happy, then where's the problem? You're there to make money, not to make friends. In the end, you'll gain respect from the people that matter, by doing what you're paid to do and not getting involved with petty issues that other people may or may not have with you. If you're a 'genuine' person, that will shine through. Have the confidence and the self-belief that you're a good person and that you do what is in the best interest of the business, not the individual. If your bosses can't see that, then the company is not worth your time; move on.

Techguru365

Great advice man... I appreciate that. Sometimes in your heart you know the right thing, but just need some positive reinforcements. That's why I like this techexams community.

shochan

You could buy him lunch everyday like that post on TE about a month ago! LOL

rob42

Techguru365 wrote: »

Great advice man... I appreciate that. Sometimes in your heart you know the right thing, but just need some positive reinforcements. That's why I like this techexams community.

You're welcome, fella'

All the best.

EnderWiggin

Have you tried approaching this person and politely asking them if you did something to offend them?

dhay13

Sounds like my manager at my last job. Would walk right by without saying a word. I think he felt threatened by me. He had very little IT knowledge. Might be the case with you. He might have seen how much more advanced you are and feel inferior so goes back into his shell?

rob42

shochan wrote: »

You could buy him lunch everyday like that post on TE about a month ago! LOL

I can't believe how that thread took-off!! I stopped reading after about the 1000th reply!! I think it's either dead or 'gone' now, as I can't see it any longer.

NetworkNewb

rob42 wrote: »

If you're bosses are happy, then where's the problem? You're there to make money, not to make friends.

Gotta be able to talk to people on your team though right? Sounds like boring place to work if you don't!

Like I said, I would have fun with that guy and act a little ridiculous around him. I find enjoyment with (playfully) tormenting people who are acting like that though Makes work more fun.

sillymcnasty

rob42 wrote: »

I can't believe how that thread took-off!! I stopped reading after about the 1000th reply!! I think it's either dead or 'gone' now, as I can't see it any longer.

He quit the day he was supposed to get fired.

Fulcrum45

Do you need to collaborate with this guy? If not I wouldn't worry about it. Don't treat him any differently and maybe he'll come around. Maybe he wont. Either way it won't be you who is making things awkward.

So what if you do need to collaborate and bounce things off this guy? Are you supposed to be a team? If that's the case you need to pull him aside and confront the elephant in the room. I've been in situations like this and I simply don't have time for it so I nip it in the bud immediately. To that end be candid but tactful and allow them to save face if needed. Most people will come around if confronted directly and allowed to give a BS excuse as a reason. Accept their answer and tell them you need to work together going forward.

rob42

NetworkNewb wrote: »

Gotta be able to talk to people on your team though right? Sounds like boring place to work if you don't!

Like I said, I would have fun with that guy and act a little ridiculous around him. I find enjoyment with (playfully) tormenting people who are acting like that though Makes work more fun.

For sure! But that should not be the primary concern: I like to have a laugh and some crack with the people with whom I work and it's good to be able to do that. But some people have ulterior motives and you should guard yourself against them.

Danielm7

I would just talk to them, ask them if everything is OK because it feels like things are different all of a sudden.

I had someone confront me like that few years ago. I didn't even realize I was doing it, he said hi to everyone else in the morning, but me. I mentioned it to someone, it got to them, they then came and talked to me about it. Turns out we both start really early in the morning, he was trying to say hi but he was half asleep so I didn't even hear him, he thought I was ignoring his attempts to say hello, the whole thing was confusing.Now we're totally fine.

p@r0tuXus

You were enjoying it and even got some praise. Sounds like a solid place to be, IMO. One person shouldn't spoil it for you, especially if they're only ignoring/avoiding you. There's an easy way to rope them into communicating on an official level. You can do all correspondence of any meaning via email and and if you have to, CC your supervisor/manager. Maybe they're intimidated or jealous, who knows. It shouldn't matter and it shouldn't make you want to quit. It's just one person. They'll get over it or they'll probably leave. If they start trouble for you, you have the email evidence of all correspondence. Case closed.

SpetsRepair

Welcome to IT

blatini

Honestly it sounds like you did something that you are unaware of. It would be one thing if he always acted this way but that's not the case. You should just ask him if you did something to offend him and try to be understanding. Thinking it's because of your success is a little weird and I definitely wouldn't bring that up whenever you talk... It would probably come off as demeaning.

scaredoftests

rise above it, it is HIS problem, not YOURS. The boss likes you, that is what matters.

GeekyChick

You could try asking him to grab lunch or a drink after work. It might be easier to talk when you're not at work. He may open up more on neutral ground. Who knows, it might be something else that's bothering him and not you. If he says yes I would just let the conversation flow and not push any answers from him, like did I do something wrong, just see what he says on his own. If he says no to lunch/drinks then I would just do the best you can to get along and do a great job.

volfkhat

shochan wrote: »

You could buy him lunch everyday like that post on TE about a month ago! LOL

Bwahahahahaha!

adrenaline19

I think it's quite rare to work at a place where everybody gets along all the time.

If his attitude affects your work, talk to him. If it doesn't, keep doing your job.

Just don't be passive aggressive or snide. That'll only make matters worse.

certnoob

Hey, sorry that happened to you.

I may sound like a cynical crabass, but here I go.

I had the same thing happen to me with a coworker, we didn't really work on the same team but it's a small office so we talked every day and thought we became pretty good work friends. The pleasantries went on for about a year. I even played on the coworker's tennis team they invited me to be on!

All of a sudden, I abruptly and immediately got the cold shoulder overnight! I dug through every possible scenario and couldn't figure out what I did. Not going to lie, I was upset, what did I do to deserve this treatment? This person started doing really petty stuff like saying "Hey X, how are you!? How was your weekend?" directed to a coworker I was walking with, completely ignoring me. This person would withhold mail they knew I was expecting. Would ignore me every time I said hello and would keep their head down and walk right past. Even went as far as to call me a "lazy backstabber" to other people and that of course got back to me. Anything to paint me in a negative light...not fair, not accurate whatsoever, not cool.

After about 9 months of this and me ignoring the petty behavior, they finally stopped by my office out of the blue and told me why, it was because I told this person to talk to the boss about a problem they was having with a coworker, not me, because it sounded like a management concern. This person apparently took that as an affront. When I told this person that wasn't my intention they just laughed sarcastically and said "sure looked like it!" and walked away.

Honestly? Now that I have gotten to know the 'real' coworker this person shows a lot of narcissistic and immature personality traits. I gave this person one more chance after this, chalking it up to a big misunderstanding. Big mistake, this person acted like we were ok, then just recently blamed me for printing out an inflammatory letter and leaving it on the conference room table (it was really this person, another coworker, or me - and I know it wasn't my teammate or me - but they pointed the finger at me to get out of trouble), etc.

So now? I document absolutely every interaction with them, tell them if they need something email it to me or it's not getting done, don't say hello or goodbye, etc.

ANYWAY, I won't ramble on any longer, but I just wanted to offer an alternative point of view - maybe this coworker really IS crazy like mine is. So I'd be cautious, don't engage him/her or ask what's wrong. To me, if they don't act in a professional manner and tell you straight up what's wrong, then you don't need to play their 'game'. Just my two cents, of course.

Best of luck, and don't take it personally, sounds like you're doing a great job where you are.

ITSec14

Make yourself look even better to the bosses!

Seriously though, those types of people are poison to any team/department. We all have things we can learn from each other. It sounds like they have a lack of self confidence. Maybe they are waiting for a promotion and are afraid you may be in a better position to get it. Keep doing what you are doing though. Don't let up just because somebody feels threatened by you.

blatini

@certnoob you never mention bringing it up to the person. Did you and he wouldn't respond?

Queue

As others have mentioned promotions at work can cause some to flip a switch. I talked to a group of people everyday for a while, personal stuff etc. All of a sudden after my role change I was ghosted. I mean avoiding eye contact, walk by it gets awkward etc.

Is your position tiered? Is this person cold shoulder/ghosting you as to give themselves the advantage come promotion/raise time. They may have been counting on this for a while, and a newbie coming in and getting it first could be devastating to them.

One way or another you probably will have confront the situation, it sounds very annoying.

certnoob

blatini wrote: »

@certnoob you never mention bringing it up to the person. Did you and he wouldn't respond?

@blatini honestly, I didn't call out the person on their behavior because I didn't want to give them the 'reaction' they might have been looking for (I found out later this coworker had been the subject of 2 HR-related investigations). Perhaps it wasn't the best approach, I observed the behavior, but acted like nothing had changed - IMO, I figured I wouldn't go out of my way to say anything until they were mature enough to actually communicate their perceived issue to me vs. being passive-aggressive. Only when they finally volunteered to me how I had "slighted" them after months and months of the silent behavior, did I mention their poor attitude to them. The person denied having acted that way and walked away. Haha...oh well.

And OP, again I'm just playing devil's advocate in a sense, maybe your issue isn't like this at all, but I did want to raise the idea that the colleague may be toxic - but those personality traits didn't show themselves until now. At any rate, just keep on doing what you're doing and don't let anyone else get in your way!

UnixGuy

He is just a jerk. I would confidently ask him "what is going on here? Why are you avoiding?"

Give him a laser eye contact and tell him that you find it strange that he is not talking to you and that you want to know if there is something upsetting him. Whatever he says as his reply, just nod and say, points taken.

That guy needs to grow up..but he won't.

beads

@UnixGuy you know that IT isn't always a warm and welcoming place, even for techs. This guy probably has his nose bent because he's not being relied on as much as he was before.

IT runs on a alpha-dog strategy with a certain barking order to the top. Your just the new guy and this is hardly uncommon in IT.

- b/eads

UnixGuy

beads wrote: »

@UnixGuy you know that IT isn't always a warm and welcoming place, even for techs. This guy probably has his nose bent because he's not being relied on as much as he was before.

IT runs on a alpha-dog strategy with a certain barking order to the top. Your just the new guy and this is hardly uncommon in IT.

- b/eads

You'd be surprised how a short conversation can change things. I've had to deal with tons of anti-social characters who went out of their way to be jerks to me and it was totally uncalled for. I just joked with them, had conversations with them..and they changed! If he's feeling threatened, an honest conversation with him might make him feel less threatened....I could be wrong, every situation is different. IT or not, I always choose to be the big boy