Please Critique My Cover Letter

My Other Self

I am applying to the two internal positions currently posted on my company's intranet. I'm very nervous, so before I submit, I wanted to review to gauge an opinion or two. One position is in Las Vegas and the other is in Phoenix, so I wanted to emphasize that where I currently live shouldn't be an issue. Thanks again for all of your help - it's been very appreciated.

Xyro

I cannot assist with the format or ideology behind a cover letter as I am currently (as of yet) untrained in cover letters themselves; however, I can tell you two items:

1. You need to proofread the letter as there are some grammatical errors present within it.
2. You sound uncomfortable in this letter. Try to be a bit more confident in your wording.

My Other Self

Yeah, I haven't done one in years. My concern was putting too much information, from what I gather they're supposed to be short and sweet - difficult when you're trying to start in a completely different field.

I'll attempt to work on the confidence then, I didn't think of that. Any tips?

Xyro

It does not seem as if it is too much information. In fact, I was rather suprised that is was so brief. You can take both of these comments with a grain of salt though as I am too inexperienced in this subject (as stated prior).

As for confidence, I likely would not immediately point out I had "no direct prior experience in the IT field". I would also probably use words such as, "I will be CompTIA certified by xxmonthxx" instead of, "I plan to have my CompTIA A+ certification this Summer". The word "plan" sounds as if there is room for adjustment and the word "Summer" is quite vague. Those two words in combination could give the reader an idea that this is not a solid and determined goal.

Also, while I personally like "I am willing to do what is necessary to get my first start in the field", it may sound somewhat "desperate" to the reader as it reveals a lesser state of mind.

Again, I do urge you to also fix these grammatical errors as that can affect the way words flow. Generally, the smoother you can get your words to flow, the more confident you come across in writing.

My Other Self

Excellent suggestions - thank you for taking the time to read through it for me. I'll make the appropriate changes.

My Other Self

I tweaked it a bit.

Xyro

Looking good...

I would go with the word "by" instead of "in" within the sentence "I will have my CompTIA A+ certification in July of this year." I would also capitalize "certification".

There is a question I have about the usage of a specific word. It is in the "I feel this particular position, coupled with my prior work..." sentence. Position? What position? Grammatically it sounds as if you are referring to the Desktop Support Level 2 position itself, which would be strange. I assume you are referring to the A+ Certification? If so then a certification is not a position and this word should be changed.

Also, "general" stands out to me as a reader in the sentence "My duties have included strong customer service..." This is a Level 2 position you are applying for. You will need more than general knowledge in this case. I would instead specify my years of experience working with the OS.

The sentence "...working a high-volume of calls to resolve issues for internal employees..." lacks clarity. What type of "issues"? I would sugggest clarifying this.

Please remove comma after "recolating" in the sentence "Currently, I have no reservations in regards to relocating..." as it is unnecessary.

There is also the same issue in the last sentence of the letter plus that sentence also contains an unnecessary word.

Do they specifically title the position with a dash? As in "Desktop Support - Level 2"? If not I would remove the dash.

Also, I hope someone else assists here because we can fix all the grammatical, spelling, and expressive errors here but if the format and/or ideology is incorrect it may not count for much.

My Other Self

It is a Level 2 position (it's written as Desktop Suppport -- Level 2), but based off of a topic I started the other day, even with this being my first IT-related application I was advised that it would still be okay to apply.

I'll make all of the changes you suggested. Thanks again for your help.

Here's the thread in question (with the job posting from my company's intranet):
http://www.techexams.net/forums/jobs-degrees/98762-beginning-career-where-do-i-start.html

Akaricloud

I'll add in a couple things.

Reading about you saying you'll have your A+ certification in July doesn't really add much value. What I want to know is less about your goals but more about what you're doing to reach them. What knowledge do you currently have for the A+ and how are you actively expanding your knowledge? Use this as an opportunity to show your motivation and work ethic towards growth as well as your goals.

I understand wanting to let them know you're willing to relocate, but saying "if necessary" makes it sound like it's some huge inconvenience for you. While this may be true, you want to convey to them that it won't be an issue for them at all and you're excited for the opportunity.

My Other Self

Here's a much revised one. I'm sure it will also require work, but I hope this is a step in the right direction.

White Wizard

IMO, a cover letter should be a brief summary of why a "company" should hire you, not 3-4 paragraphs.

Consider the amount of resumes and cover letters a company gets for a position, you want to convey as much as you can in the smallest space possible on paper.

Just my thoughts based off members who actually review resumes here.

My Other Self

White Wizard wrote: »

IMO, a cover letter should be a brief summary of why a "company" should hire you, not 3-4 paragraphs.

Consider the amount of resumes and cover letters a company gets for a position, you want to convey as much as you can in the smallest space possible on paper.

Just my thoughts based off members who actually review resumes here.

That's what I had thought. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

I'll be applying tomorrow for the positions, hopefully I can get it re-worked.

White Wizard

Good luck with A+ as well