When things were going so well....

RouteThisWay

... I always forget that the highest highs usually precede the lowest lows.

So as most know, I have been really excited about my job and doing really well at it. My boss has decided that we need to hire a fulltime helpdesk person (will post the job when we officially start advertising) to join our IT team. This is really exciting, because it gives me someone to lean on so I can deal with the server side of things that can get ignored.

I decided to work late tonight. I wanted to finish up a few admin docs and some low hanging fruit that needed to be done. Stuff that is hard to do with daily interruptions. I called my girlfriend twice from my work phone and things seemed fine. Of course, silly me...

I get home and she pretty much tells me our relationship is over. She thinks I am cheating on her because I have been working a lot more since I took over this new job. I just don't get it. I work 8-5 most days, maybe once a week I will stay until 7 - 9. I was gone all week for a TRAINING class and stayed in my hotel every evening studying and talked to her. I even called her from my work phone tonight, so it isn't like I can just take my office phone around with me.

So I am now sitting in our apartment and decided I will be leaving. I am not sure where to go/what to do now. I honestly feel extremely blind sided. She never once said she felt this way and things have been actually better in the last couple months than in the last 2 years we have been together (living together for almost 1). I was actually going to propose this summer. Her cousin and I went and looked at rings together. Blah. I feel extremely... blah.

Since this is the offtopic section for technical things, this is my technical concern. I really don't want this to have an impact on my work performance. This is really a hard blow for me and I can't help but really feel depressed. I am 24 and have never been in this position before. I have never had to worry about personal life affecting my professional life. How do you handle it? I mean.. when I wake up tomorrow morning I will be effectively homeless (she is staying at her grandmothers tonight so I have the evening to figure something out). That is weighing heavily on my mind. I am really in shock. I don't even know my next move. I have never thought this was possible before.

The easiest thing is, I don't have too many possessions I will be taking. Just the TV, PS3 (netflix), clothes, and mountain bike. I am concerned with renting a motel for a week while I find an apartment though because the TV was obviously expensive, the PS3 was a few hundred bucks, and the mountain bike is worth $800. I don't want any of that stolen.

I don't have the cash saved up because I have been dumping everything into my student loans. I do have good credit though and have the means of being able to put rent on a credit card and just pay it off when I get my next check. So I do have options. I just feel really... disoriented.

Sorry if I am rambling. Just not sure what to do next. And I hope this doesn't affect me on the work front

Zartanasaurus

Breakups suck, especially when the relationship is that serious. Sounds like she just wanted an excuse to be out of the relationship. Wouldn't be surprised if "her grandmother's" is really code for the new guy.

Yeah it's going to be on your mind.
Yeah it's going to affect your mood at work.
You'll get over it in time and this will be just a distant memory at some point.

I went through a similar process at that age. It was really tough on me. Sleeping with a lot of other girls helped some.

RouteThisWay

Zartanasaurus wrote: »

Wouldn't be surprised if "her grandmother's" is really code for the new guy.

...didn't even think of that ha. Doh!

Yeah, it is what it is. Thanks for the support fellers. Good points, both of you. I guess it is time to go apartment shopping ha. And I am right there with you NOC... if she texts/calls, no way in hell I am answering.

I guess I am more worried about letting this distract me from work than anything else ha

EDIT: and finding a place to live lol

kriscamaro68

RouteThisWay wrote: »

...didn't even think of that ha. Doh!

Yeah, it is what it is. Thanks for the support fellers. Good points, both of you. I guess it is time to go apartment shopping ha. And I am right there with you NOC... if she texts/calls, no way in hell I am answering.

I guess I am more worried about letting this distract me from work than anything else ha

EDIT: and finding a place to live lol

My suggestion: Go buy a sweet WRX STI, an even bigger TV, A sweet sound system for the house, and a bunch of guns. Invite the guys over and watch a bunch of comedies and violent movies. It will make you feel better real quick. At least that would help me out. On sat. go out and race the car around and then shoot some stuff later that day. Sunday watch movies with the guys all day then you are back to work on Monday.

NOC-Ninja

kriscamaro68 wrote: »

My suggestion: Go buy a sweet WRX STI, an even bigger TV, A sweet sound system for the house, and a bunch of guns. Invite the guys over and watch a bunch of comedies and violent movies. It will make you feel better real quick. At least that would help me out. On sat. go out and race the car around and then shoot some stuff later that day. Sunday watch movies with the guys all day then you are back to work on Monday.

he needs to check out nasioc or iwsti for used subie. lol

kriscamaro68

NOC-Ninja wrote: »

he needs to check out nasioc or iwsti for used subie. lol

Agreed. Nasioc is a great source. Just go there and look at the pictures of an 04-05 Sti and you will want one.

instant000

What happens a lot with people who are involved in their careers is that it ruins relationships.

I cannot vouch either way for you, but the hours do not seem excessive, by any means. I can recall working 12 hour days plus weekends at one particularly hard-charging job I had in the past.

But, it is what it is.

Lesson learned: It's good that you found out that she wasn't in it for the long haul PRIOR to marrying her.

millworx

Must be the week of breakups. I just split with my girlfriend on Wednesday. I was the dumper of course.

She broke up with me 5 months because I was out of work. As soon as I got my Cisco job she came running back and has been bilking me out of money all the while going on dating sites and chatting with guys behind my back. I found that out on Wednesday and kicked her ass to the curb. Been almost a week and have not heard anything since.

I'm pretty heart broken too, I love the girl. But I dont show it and don't let it effect my work.

You have two options get her back, or let her go. Both options you go about the same way. Dont contact her, dont text, dont email, dont call, dont facebook. Just act like it's not effecting you. Agree with the breakup. Go no contact. She'll miss you and start to doubt herself. And when she does you'll either not care anymore, or you'll accept her back.

Chin up man, at least you have a good job, and there's plenty of fish in the sea... Well maybe not so much anymore after the BP accident. But you get my drift, if she wasn't the one you will find one who is more deserving of your love and generousity.

Hypntick

YouTube - It Could Be Worse

On a serious note, it's going to happen. It happens to just about everyone at some point in time. The good news is it happened before you got engaged or married, once you get married lawyers have to get involved, not a fun time for anyone. Right now it sucks and will probably suck for a bit, but time will pass, you'll get caught up with work or a new cert or a new romance. Once you're a little ways down the road you'll wonder "What was I so broken up over?"

erpadmin

NOC-Ninja wrote: »

To tell you the truth, i think your girl found another guy. No way girls flip like that. I think she wants to date other guys so shes pushing you away. its okay, she will find out later that its her loss.

The ninja is absolutely correct. You, OP, are dealing with what's called projection; when she projects crap on you feelings that she herself is going through. It's her that is doing the crap (or considering doing) that she accuses you off.

You're 24, man. What I tell guys under the quarter century; you still have whole lot of ----ing to do. Focus on your career, have some fun so you don't burn yourself out, and don't stress about meeting your wife....she's out there. Believe me, you're not going through what men have not gone through before. It really is her loss...if she really wanted to stay, she would have.

djfunz

millworx wrote: »

You have two options get her back, or let her go. Both options you go about the same way. Dont contact her, dont text, dont email, dont call, dont facebook. Just act like it's not effecting you. Agree with the breakup. Go no contact. She'll miss you and start to doubt herself. And when she does you'll either not care anymore, or you'll accept her back.

This^^^^^^^^

Pash

Thats harsh mate and that can't be a nice situation to be in.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but if she just wants to end things because you're working longer hours recently then maybe things weren't meant to be any way. If this is her only reason then she is being unreasonable especially after a 2 year relationship.

Id say pay for some storage for your expensive gear if you can. We have yellow storage here in the UK and I am sure you have similar in the States.

Best of luck fella, don't feel too down.

veritas_libertas

instant000 wrote: »

Lesson learned: It's good that you found out that she wasn't in it for the long haul PRIOR to marrying her.

Bingo!

earweed

Sucks that you're in this situation right now but as others said, it could have been worse. Keep this in mind, you're young and have a lot of living to do. If she doesn't want to be with you it's her loss and now go enjoy your freedom.

tpatt100

My gf left me over a decade ago and I thought it was the end if the world, I was pretty devastated. People told me "things will get better" which I thought "yeah right". Couple of years later I pulled my head out of my butt and started studying for the A+ and got my start in IT. Met somebody else and we are celebrating our tenth anniversary next month. Oh heck almost forgot about that....

Looking back if I would have stayed with my gf I would probably be working in a factory doing some menial crap contemplating throwing myself off a bridge lol.

RouteThisWay

tpatt100 wrote: »

Oh heck almost forgot about that....

Looking back if I would have stayed with my gf I would probably be working in a factory doing some menial crap contemplating throwing myself off a bridge lol.

Holy crap lol. Looks like it was for the best then? Glad I could remind you of your anniversary coming up!

Thanks for all the support guys. Good to know it isn't just a bunch of robots in IT After sleeping on it for a night and reading these responses, you are all right. It is for the best and what happens... well, happens. No way I would take her back though. I've got everything I own in the work parking lot ready to go lol. Going to look at some new apts today and hopefully get moved in soon.

And about the WRX... Nah. Not a car guy. Think I will get a bike instead I used to have one. My gf always hated the thought so I put it off. Sounds like something else that will make me feel better haha. Thanks guys

tbgree00

As far as your stuff is concerned either rent a storage locker for it or see if a friend would like to borrow it until you get settled. I agree with the people who are saying it could be projection. Try to find an apartment close to work and keep busy with your friends. Also try to find an interest group to hang out with in your spare time if your friends aren't nearby anymore.

Forsaken_GA

Well, whether you like it or not, you'll live.

Relationships can be a devil of a thing to deal with. I recently got back in touch with a girl I dated years ago, and it didn't end well. The years had cleaned the memories up with a good polish of nostalgia, but it didn't take long for me to remember why the relationship didn't work out the first time around.

The important thing is to deal with reality, and understand that any opinion you have on the subject is going to be biased. The reality is that, if the relationship wasn't going to work, it's much, much better to find out before you got yourself into a whole bunch of legal entanglement to go along with the emotional set.

If she wants it to end, it's done, it takes both of you agreeing to make it work. She doesn't, so that's that. Don't sit and try and figure out what went wrong, and if you can fix it, or if she was really cheating on you, or any other such nonsense. Either way, the end result is the same, and you can't make it any better (though if you go into jealous boyfriend mode, you can make it a hell of alot worse).

Take a personal day. Cry. Get drunk. If possible, go out and get laid. And then when you wake up in the morning, start figuring out where you go from here, and don't look back.

ehnde

@millworx
I think I understand what happened with your ex-GF now. I've seen it too many times, myself. You broke up originally because you didn't have a job. So while you two were apart, she was on online dating sites (we can assume that much). She probably went on some dates. That "new" feeling in relationships, the sense of excitement/exhiliration and the initial attention you get can be addictive for some people. They really get to enjoy new relationships. Many people on dating sites are on there just for the attention.

She probably couldn't stop her online serial dating habits when you two got back together. I have a cousin that does that and it makes me sick. Guess it's better than doing meth.

@RouteThisWay
Where are you going to live? Did you ever figure that out?

Aldur

Man, that is harsh, I feel for ya RouteThisWay.

I went through a similar experience when I was 24. I happened to walk in on my GF in bed with her boss. Later she married the guy. And of course she always swore that nothing happened...

I remember being so depressed that I'd drive around without my seat belt on just hoping somebody would crash into me. Hard times indeed.

About 2 years after that I met my wife and we've been happily married ever since. Sure we've had our hard times, but we work though them and communicate like adults. I just can't imagine how terrible my life would have been if I would have stayed with the old GF.

Keep your chin up, time will make things better. Just don't do anything too stupid that will negatively affect you for the rest of your life.

Lizano

If she couldn´t understand you are a tech, she wasn´t good enough for you man...Geek is the new cool.

CodeBlox

Man, my last girl friend was really a pain. I could never get anything done as she always wanted to talk 24-7! On top of that, she was always talking down about how I was "nerdy". Trust me man, there are plenty of fish in the sea. She can go back and swim with the fishes, mafia style.

ITGuyRick

Plenty more out in the world that will actually appreciate you. Plus at your young age, no way should you let her get you down. But as stated thank goodness you didn't end up married to her and have this happen. I went through that 15 years ago and while I wasn't upset she left, it sure was a pain in the ass legal wise.

You dodged a bullet, and got a free pass to enjoy some more women.

MickQ

What the others have said, and in particular, Forsaken.
You're young, you've got a lot of road yet to cover. I'm sure that you've still got a lot about yourself to figure out.
One thing though. Equality and all that. Why are you moving out? Why doesn't she?
Also, you can expect ups and downs in relationships. If you have been getting on well for the past 2 years, maybe this is just a temporary thing. Maybe she is seeing other guys. Maybe she's going out and fishing down at the river. There are a lot of things she could be doing, but you don't know what. What's the solution? No idea, but putting some time and distance in, as Millworx said, should help clear things up a bit. It did in my last situation and we're back closer than ever before.

One last bit of advice. Take a good long time before going ring shopping.

phantasm

MickQ wrote: »

One last bit of advice. Take a good long time before going ring shopping.

Some of the best advice in the thread. I was with my wife for 2 years before I proposed. Been six years of marriage and both of us having careers and a kid is tough. We all make decisions... just be sure you're really ready when you make yours.

RouteThisWay

Thanks for the stories guys Helps me keep an even keel

Most places I am looking to rent are all full. There was a tiny 500sqft 1 bedroom opening up on the 10th, but they also have an 800sqft 1 bedroom apt opening up on the 20th. I am going by this afternoon to take a look at it and hopefully throw my deposit down.

Currently I am living out of a hotel room for like $130/wk. Not bad. I have everything inside my car. I just don't trust hotel staff. So I cart everything around. I had to partially disassemble my mountain bike but hey, gotta do what ya gotta do.

So hopefully on the 20th, I'll be settling in to a new bachelor pad. Beer anyone?

Turgon

RouteThisWay wrote: »

Thanks for the stories guys Helps me keep an even keel

Most places I am looking to rent are all full. There was a tiny 500sqft 1 bedroom opening up on the 10th, but they also have an 800sqft 1 bedroom apt opening up on the 20th. I am going by this afternoon to take a look at it and hopefully throw my deposit down.

Currently I am living out of a hotel room for like $130/wk. Not bad. I have everything inside my car. I just don't trust hotel staff. So I cart everything around. I had to partially disassemble my mountain bike but hey, gotta do what ya gotta do.

So hopefully on the 20th, I'll be settling in to a new bachelor pad. Beer anyone?

I would say, enjoy your free time and enjoy the company of women but try to remain a gentleman. Try dating sites and be positive, you can meet lots of people in transition there. Dont oversell the nerd type though. It isn't hip anymore as my avatar 'routergirl' will attest. Back in 1999 she loved you and went shopping on your card because you could afford it! Be positive, friendly, confident and you will get dates. Work on some interests outside IT and get physically fit. Women like well adjusted men.

veritas_libertas

RouteThisWay wrote: »

Thanks for the stories guys Helps me keep an even keel

Most places I am looking to rent are all full. There was a tiny 500sqft 1 bedroom opening up on the 10th, but they also have an 800sqft 1 bedroom apt opening up on the 20th. I am going by this afternoon to take a look at it and hopefully throw my deposit down.

Currently I am living out of a hotel room for like $130/wk. Not bad. I have everything inside my car. I just don't trust hotel staff. So I cart everything around. I had to partially disassemble my mountain bike but hey, gotta do what ya gotta do.

So hopefully on the 20th, I'll be settling in to a new bachelor pad. Beer anyone?

Now is also a great time to move out of state if you feel the desire. Better to do so now than when you have a GF/Wife.

Amco

At least you didn't fracture and dislocated your ankle this weekend!

kriscamaro68

Amco wrote: »

At least you didn't fracture and dislocated your ankle this weekend!

No his GF fractured and dislocated his heart. It will work out in the end in your benefit as you now have lots of money to go blow on stuff you want.

Deathgomper

I went through a similar situation.... looking back I feel that it made me a better / stronger person. In my opinion, I believe stopping all communication with the ex is the fastest way to rebuild yourself. Yeah the whole process sucks but it builds character.

You're only 24, so time is on your side. Enjoy the single life while it lasts.